Volatile relationships

Is the famous priest’s statement “until death do us part” still valid nowadays? Not as it was in the old days.  In the past, society, influenced by religious rules, which were powerful at that time, used to give to marriage a sacred value considering divorce shameful and a subject to discrimination. In fact, until the 70’s, a divorced woman was treated as she had a contagious disease, prohibited to have a normal life. However, the number of divorces has been increasing significantly over the past ten years. According to a research published in the newspaper Folha de São Paulo on September 21st, the divorce rate increased by 20% in comparison to the figures of ten years ago.  Four in ten couples are separated, mostly couples who have been married for a short time, for instance, two or three years after they got married, they are getting divorced. The main reasons why people decide to break up their marital relationship are the lack of regular sexual activity, the discrepancy in personalities and the economic independence of women.

The first reason why marriage ends in divorce is the low frequency of sexual relation. To a lot of couples, rather than sex being a loving act, it turns into an angry argument that pulls them apart. As a matter of fact, when one partner doesn’t want to have sex as often as the other, this unbalanced interest in sex leads to frustration. A recent study by the Creighton University Center for Marriage and Family shows that 80% of the married couples who got divorced engaged in sex less than 118 times a year which is considered by the study a low frequency rate. Sex therapists, according to this study, state that when couples are not able to enjoy moments of intimacy or simply do not want to have sex in a healthy frequency the end of the relationship is near as sex is one of the three supports of the marital union together with finances and mutual respect. If one is not working, the other two are affected and as a result there is the deterioration of the marriage. Therefore, the lack of regular sexual activity makes couples divorce.  

The second reason why husband and wife separate is the interaction between people with different natures. Sharing a space with another person means that all that is done will bear on someone else. The main concern is how to deal with the consequences of the acts.  Living in harmony is the target of a married couple which demands a real commitment to the relationship. According to the psycologist Paula Carvalho in her article “Divorce: Main Causes & Effects” published in Men’s Health magazine on September 30th,  divorce is a consequence of a failure in the process of living together. She says that “the lack of  understanding and the lack of patience are examples of this failure”. Paula Carvalho ends her article stating that ”someone wise once said that it takes two wholes to make a marriage, not two halves”. Thus, couples who have personality differences or irreconcilable differences meaning different expectations about  life are condemned to separation.

The third reason why couples divorce is the women’s self-reliance. Women, in the present times, with access to better and higher education and consequently higher salaries, are less willing to put up with traditional roles and expectations. “Our grandmothers actually tolerated all kinds of temper tantrums because they could not find any other way to survive” says Diane Parker, sociologist. However, women have now all the independence and all the liberties to choose the man they want to get married and also to brake up the relationship whenever they want to. A survey conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers shows that 85% of women consider to divorce if they are not happy in the marriage. Since survival is not the main concern anymore, women do not see any other obstacle to their search for happiness, and even splitting up is preferable to staying together for the children or to keep up social appearances. As a result, women empowerment favours the couples’ separation.

People give up their marriages mostly because of  problems with sexual life, irreconcilable differences and the women’s financial situation enhancement. There are many different and complex causes and reasons for divorce, though, such as poor communication, financial problems and infidelity, each of them specific to that particular couple’s marital relationship, their individual experiences and personal problems. On the other hand, divorces often happen because people rarely discuss their expectations in detail prior to marriage, are less willing to work on their marriages afterwards, and would like quick solutions rather than having to resolve issues. Therefore, people could have been divorcing for trivial reasons.