Mid Term – Traveling alone for the first time
September 17, 2009About a Year ago, I’d went on vacation from college in the end of the year before when my parents and my realtives scheduled a banquet in a exquisete restaurant located in the main avenus in São Paulo.to cameback my cousin, a 29 year manwho has just came from a 2 month traveling alone around South East Asia visiting the most exotic countries that I’d seen just on the TV. On the day of the dinner, my family and I, arrived late in the dinner because of the huge traffic in rush hour. When I got into the restaurant,I came across my cousin who I greeted very happily, after the basic snapping patter about the trip, he said that he had gotten something for me and gave a 500 pages guide book with all the information about Europe. When he had just gave me that book I decided what I was going to do on that vacation.
Trying to plan everything as perfect as possible , I started to choose the main countries that i had to visit. After that,I made some hostel reservations, bought train passes and others pre plan actions to make the trip cheaper and less stressful. After 10 full days balacing the book, I was ready to explore the whole country alone. My mother was reluctant at first to let me go to this trip, but did it after she realize that it would be a real life experience for me.
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roselainegoncalves
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About a (y)ear ago, I (was) on vacation from college when my parents and my realtives scheduled a banquet in a exquis(i)te restaurant located in the main avenu(e) in São Paulo to (celebrate) my cousin(’s return from South East Asia, where he visited) the most exotic countries that I’d seen just on the TV (alone). On the day of the dinner, my family and I, arrived late because of the huge traffic (jam) in rush hour. When I got to the restaurant, I came across my cousin who I greeted very happily(.) (A)fter the basic snapping patter about the trip, he said that he had gotten something for me and gave (me) a 500(-page) guide book with all the information about Europe. (Upon seeing that book,) I decided (on) what I was going to do on (my next) vacation: (travel.)
Trying to plan everything as perfect(ly) as possible, I started to choose the main countries that (I wish) to visit. After that, I made some hotel reservations, bought train (tickets) and other pre-plan(ned) actions to make the trip cheaper and less stressful. After (ten) full days balacing the (check)book, I was ready to explore the whole country (which country?) alone. My mother was reluctant at first to let me go (on) this trip, but (she allowed me to) after she realize(d) that it would be a real life experience for me.
Just when I arrived in Lisbo(n) to start the trip, I faced my first problem: I found (out) that the hotel where I should spend that night was closed. At that point, worr(y)ing (about saving) money for the rest of the trip, I slept that day inside the airport. Also, as a (B)razilian used to liv(ing) in a tropical country, I faced problems with the freezing winter in some countries. In my opinion(,) that was the biggest problem I had (to) face (on) this trip because I planned to visit tall the places (What do you mean?), monuments and other places on foot, trying to use at least a public transportaion around so (What do you mean?).
I faced the cold weather almost every day (on) this trip (Renato, you are getting repetitive here and your paper lacks specificity. You should have chosen a particular moment only on the trip to describe on this paper.) Moreover(,) I had almost got pickpocket(ed) a couple of times. The positive side was that (I) had contact with people all over the world, learning different cultures, people and beliefs.
I’d spent exactly 47 days travelling the whole continent from the Atlantic Sea of Portugal to the cold lands of Finland. I say that (it was) a special vacation for me because it was my first (time) travelling alone and I learned (a lot) liv(ing) by myself. From this time (on), I have realized that it had been the best days of my life(.)
Renato,
Your paper is still full of small errors you should have corrected as you retyped this writing. Unfortunately, you have chosen a very broad account of your experience abroad. You needed to have selected a slice of this trip and have explored it further. Honestly, if you decide to rewrite this piece to be part of your portofolio, you will have major work to do. YOu will need to start from scratch.
My suggestion is for you to abandon this paper because you have already submitted one narrative paper, in which you got a very high grade. What you need to do is to prove to me that you also master argumentative skills where you develop a full fledged essay just like the ones your peers have submitted to me.
See you in class.
Rick
Renato,
I will not use this paper as part of your portofolio because you still have made quite a few mistakes even after my corrections. You will not score a high grade on this paper. I will take another paper into consideration.
Rick