MADONNA´S CONCERT: THE FEVER
September 10, 2008Madonna´s concert?Unbelievable. Madonna´s concert will be the show of the year here in Brazil on december. Brazilians are going crazy to buy tickets to Madonna´s show, since the anouncement of the concert, people aren´t sleeping at all just to enter the line of this new process of getting the ticket. And when this crazyness is going to end? until people have the tickets in their own hands.This confusion has three issues: the lack of assistence, organization and pre-planing of the sale of tickets, and it must be changed immediatly.
Since Madonna anounced her tour dates here in Brazil, people went mad about the concert.In less than 48 hours from the anoucement of the ticket´s sales, 75 million tickets were sold out in Rio.However,the real problem began after the press relation of the Time For Fun enterprise, which is responsible for the ticket´s sale, anounced that the purchased of the ticket would have to pass for a process in which, the person that wanted to buy the ticket ,thru the internet, had to registered in a website, after that registration and e-mail would be sent to the person and then the buyer could purchase the ticket. This whole process would save time and make it easier the purchase of the tickets, however it didn´t work at all. A lot of people tried to buy the tickets thru this process,but the Time For Fun website were busy and slowly the whole night.
The pre-organization of T4fun website was going well, until the buyers start to complain about it. The sale was impossible for those who wanted to get the tickets through the internet, therefore people started to look for another way to get the tickets, which was going at the Morumbi stadium in Sao Paulo and Maracana stadium in Rio De Janeiro, a easier way to have the tickets. A friend tried to get the pre-ticket from the website of T4fun at the time that Madonna confirmed that she was touring in Brazil, but he didn’t get to finished the purchase, because of the problem and disorganization of the website.
Another way to buy the tickets that seemed to be fast and good, was going to the Ibirapuera gymnasio, which had the same problems of organization and speed. A lot of people slept on the line to get the ticket, these people was very angry and impatient because the elders have the privilege to pierce the queue, so does pregnants. The police was there to help the tension, but they couldn’t control the anger of those people.
Madonna’s tour anouncement here in Brazil, caused a lot of tension and anger for the brazilians this month. The organization was unnaceptable with long hours hanging on the phone,T4fun website busy and a long waiting on the row.
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Madonna´s concert? Unbelievable. Madonna´s concert will be the show of the year here in Brazil in December. Brazilians are going crazy to buy tickets since the anouncement of the concert. People aren´t sleeping at all just to wait in line for this new process of getting the ticket. When this craziness is going to end? Only when people have the tickets in their own hands. This confusion has three issues and it must be changed immediatly because of the lack of assistence, organization, and pre-planing in the ticket sales. (Jess, the beginning of your thesis is weird. To say that this confusion has three issues. Try to rephrase that.)
(Where is your topic sentence #1?)
Since Madonna anounced her tour dates here in Brazil, people went mad about the concert.In less than 48 hours from the annoucement of the ticket sales, 75 million tickets were sold out in Rio. However, the real problem began after the press relation with the Time For Fun enterprise, which is responsible for the ticket´s sale. They have announced that the purchasing of the ticket would have to go through a process in which the person who to buy the ticket through the internet would have to register at a website. After that registration, an e-mail would be sent to the person and then the buyer could purchase the ticket. This whole process would save time and ease the purchase of the tickets. However, it didn´t work at all. A lot of people tried to buy the tickets following this process, but the Time For Fun website was always busy and slow the whole night.
(What is your suggestion then?)
Hi Jessica,
As I can see, you have not been able to work on this paper so far. However, I need to give it a temporary grade. Here it is.
Content: 1 / 5 (Your paper lacks the last three paragraphs still.)
Structure: 1 / 5 (Your paper does not follow the American Rhetorical strategy discussed in class.)
Vocabulary: 4 / 5
Grammar: 4 / 5
Mechanics: 4 / 5
Total: 14 / 25
If you wish, you have until Sunday, September 28th 8: 00 p.m. to rewrite it.
Rick
Madonna´s concert?Unbelievable. Madonna´s concert will be the show of the year here in Brazil on december. Brazilians are going crazy to buy tickets to Madonna´s show, since the anouncement of the concert, people aren´t sleeping at all just to enter the line of this new process of getting the ticket. And when this crazyness is going to end? until people have the tickets in their own hands.This confusion has three issues: the lack of assistence, organization and pre-planing of the sale of tickets, and it must be changed immediatly.
Since Madonna anounced her tour dates here in Brazil, people went mad about the concert.In less than 48 hours from the anoucement of the ticket´s sales, 75 million tickets were sold out in Rio.However,the real problem began after the press relation of the Time For Fun enterprise, which is responsible for the ticket´s sale, anounced that the purchased of the ticket would have to pass for a process in which, the person that wanted to buy the ticket ,thru the internet, had to registered in a website, after that registration and e-mail would be sent to the person and then the buyer could purchase the ticket. This whole process would save time and make it easier the purchase of the tickets, however it didn´t work at all. A lot of people tried to buy the tickets thru this process,but the Time For Fun website were busy and slowly the whole night.
The pre-organization of T4fun website was going well, until the buyers start to complain about it. The sale was impossible for those who wanted to get the tickets through the internet, therefore people started to look for another way to get the tickets, which was going at the Morumbi stadium in Sao Paulo and Maracana stadium in Rio De Janeiro, a easier way to have the tickets. A friend tried to get the pre-ticket from the website of T4fun at the time that Madonna confirmed that she was touring in Brazil, but he didn’t get to finished the purchase, because of the problem and disorganization of the website.
Another way to buy the tickets that seemed to be fast and good, was going to the Ibirapuera gymnasio, which had the same problems of organization and speed. A lot of people slept on the line to get the ticket, these people was very angry and impatient because the elders have the privilege to pierce the queue, so does pregnants. The police was there to help the tension, but they couldn’t control the anger of those people.
Madonna’s tour anouncement here in Brazil, caused a lot of tension and anger for the brazilians this month. The organization was unnaceptable with long hours hanging on the phone,T4fun website busy and a long waiting on the row.
Madonna´s concert? Unbelievable. Madonna´s concert will be the show of the year here in Brazil in December. Brazilians are going crazy to buy tickets to Madonna´s show. Since the anouncement of the concert, people aren´t sleeping at all just to get in line in this new process of getting the ticket. And when is this crazyness going to end? Until people have the tickets in their hands. (Your thesis sounds too abrupt here. You would need to offer more information to make this transition smoother.) This confusion has three issues: the lack of assistence, organization and pre-planing of the sale of tickets, and it must be changed immediatly. (Your thesis is not parallel.)
(Where is your topic sentence?) Since Madonna anounced her tour dates here in Brazil, people have gone mad about the concert. In less than 48 hours from the anoucement of the ticket´s sales, 75 million tickets were sold out in Rio. However,the real problem began after the press relation of the Time For Fun enterprise, which is responsible for the ticket´s sale, announced that the purchased of the ticket would have to go through a process in which, the person that wanted to buy the ticket, through the Internet, had to registered in a website. After that registration, an e-mail would be sent to the person and then the buyer would be able to purchase the ticket. This whole process would save time and make the purchase of the tickets easier. However, it didn´t work at all. A lot of people tried to buy the tickets through this process, but the Time For Fun website were always busy and slow the whole night.
The pre-organization of T4fun website was going well, until the buyers start to complain about it. The sale was impossible for those who wanted to get the tickets through the Internet. Therefore, people started to look for another way to get the tickets, which was going to the Morumbi stadium in Sao Paulo and Maracana stadium in Rio De Janeiro, an easier way to have the tickets. A friend tried to get the pre-ticket from the website of T4fun at the time that Madonna confirmed that she was touring in Brazil, but he didn’t get to finish the purchase, because of the problem and disorganization of the website.
Another way to buy the tickets that seemed to be fast and good, was going to the Ibirapuera gymnasio, which had the same problems of organization and speed. A lot of people slept on the line to get the ticket, these people was very angry and impatient because the elders as well as pregnant women had the privilege to cut lines. The police was there to help the tension, but they couldn’t control the anger of those people.
Therefore, Madonna’s tour anouncement here in Brazil caused a lot of tension and anger for the Brazilians this month. The organization was unnaceptable with long hours hanging on the phone, T4fun website busy and a long waiting on the row.
Content: 3.5 / 5 (Your third paragraph and your conclusion were a bit on the short side and did not offer substantial information to sustain its existence.)
Structure: 3 / 5 (There were many connectors missing throughout your paper and also your paragraphs do not follow the rhetorical structure discussed in class.)
Vocabulary: 4 / 5 (Some words were used incorrectly.)
Grammar: 3.5 / 5 (Compare the revised version to the original.)
Mechanics: 3 / 5 (Careful with the use of comma and the spelling of certain words.)
Total: 17 / 25