The graduation time
August 20, 2008The end of 2007 all my high school colleagues were very sad, because it was time to move foward…Was this a sad time? Or it was a time to enjoy a lot?
People behavior changed from people to people, some of my colleagues were scared of their future without the school and others were much excited that couldn’t even thing about the dimension of that moment, and could only thing about the new changes that were coming.
I was also sad, because the other step would be one by one, and everybody that were studying with me for a long time, from that moment would be on their own. But I include me in the ones that were excited, and for me the happiest moment was about to come, I would complete my so expected majority, for me it would be my scream for freedom.
This period is important and unforgettable in everybody lives, because is the first big change in a teenagers life, no matter where you live, in the USA the students make their SAT, in England, Where would you prefer to go Cambridge or Oxford ? In Brazil we have the tests that are called “vestibular”, nobody can forget about it.
I was 17, and for me this was the most stressed time, it was the time when people expect from you more than you could really show and when you can feel frustrated or realized from what you accomplished or didn’t.
I was in doubt of two universities of engineering, both of them are well qualified, but my sister already studies in one and this fact was decisive in my choice. Because I knew that studying in the same university as my sister I won’t explore and make new friend I would only stay with her and her friends. But even thinking about it, I was still in doubt, because maybe it could be cool to stay with your sister as my whole life before. So in the beginning of the courses I’ve frequented both of them, to make my choice with no regretting later.
In the end I decided to study in the university which my sister does not study, and I am sure I made the correct choice. I feel very happy and independent.
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At the end of 2007, all of my high school colleagues were very sad (Andrea, you are TELLING us that you guys were sad. You are supposed to SHOW us how sad you guys were with something like ” at the end of 2007, my high school buddies could not contain their tears as our graduation would mean the last time we would be together.” Was this a sad time? Or it was a time to enjoy a lot? (Andrea, in English, you are not supposed to be asking questions but answering them. It is the responsibility of the writer to ANSWER questions. Avoid the use of questions as much as you can.)
People’s behavior changed from people to people (Hummm, try to avoid the repetition of the same words over and over again. It weakens your paper. Also, this sentence remains at a very general level, without offering much new information to your reader.)
Some of my colleagues were scared of their future without the school (What do you mean? That they hadn’t been accepted at a university and would have to face a college preparatory course? Or did they miss the protection that an old high school gave them?). Others were excited that couldn’t even think about the dimension of that moment, and could only think about the new changes that were coming up in their lives (Andrea, careful not to remain at the general level, offering pieces of information that do not add anything new or uniquely yours to the writing.)
I was also sad (Again, you are telling us you were sad and not showing us. You could write something like “I didn’t seem to be able to look into my friend’s eyes anymore without tears flooding my eyeballs”), because the other step (which other step?) would be one by one (What are you referring to here?), and everybody that had been studying with me for a long time, from that moment on would be on their own.
But I included myself in the ones that were excited (Why? You have just said you were sad. I am bit confused here as a reader), and for me, the happiest moment was about to come (which one?). I would turn 18, which for me would be my scream for freedom.
(Hummm, Andrea, you seem to be drifting to another topic here, turning 18 rather than actually dealing with the graduation per se
This period (which period?) is important and unforgettable in everybody lives, because is the first big change in a teenagers life, no matter where you live whether it is in the USA or in Brazil. (Careful not to state the obvious here.) In Brazil, we have the tests that are called “vestibular.” Nobody can forget about it. (Again, you are at the very general level here.)
I was 17 (Andrea, this statement is not smoothly linked to what you were talking about before. Remember that your writing should guide your reader from thought to thought in a very smooth way like a movie would), and for me, this was the most stressed time (Again, you are telling us that it was the most stressful time and not showing us how stressful it was.)
It was the time when people expect from you (from me?) more than you (??? Andrea, in English, the writer should not address the reader so closely like that) could really show and when you (me?) can feel frustrated or realized from what you accomplished or didn’t.
(Andrea, I am really lost in your thoughts here. They are at a very general level without clearly stating anything concrete to the reader. Remember that you are narrating an event and not philosophying about your abstract thoughts of vestibular.)
I was in doubt between two universities of engineering, both of them well qualified, but my sister already studies in one and this fact was decisive in my choice. Because I knew that studying in the same university as my sister, I won’t explore (explore what?) and make new friend. I would only stay with her and her friends. But even thinking about it, I was still in doubt, because maybe it could be cool to stay with your (mine?) sister as my whole life before. (Andrea, as a reader, i am confused here. Remember that your job as a writer is to SOLVE the unsolved, and not confuse the reader with in your own confusion.)
So (too informal) in the beginning of the courses, I went to both of them (them who? what?) to make my choice with no regretting later.
In the end, I decided to study at the university which my sister does not study (What led you to such a choice?), and I am sure I made the correct choice (Why is that? You will need to provide reasons). I feel very happy and independent (Again, you are telling here and not showing).
Andrea,
My suggestion to you is for you to focus on ONE portion of your experience getting into college and avoid all this innner fight you had between choosing one over the other. Your paper is trying to cover too much ground, so you have chosen to be superficial throughout your thoughts.
Rick
The graduation time
At the end of 2007, my high school buddies could not contain their tears as our graduation would mean the last time we would be together. I wonder whether I should feel happy or sad for this special moment.
The graduates were feeling both happy, in a sense of accomplishment of achieving our educational goals and a sense of excitement with taking the next step in our life journey; the excitement of what tomorrow holds now our goals are completed, and sad, when some of them realized that good friends will be lost due to moving to a different university, also fear the new challenge faced of succeeding in career.
I was feeling ambiguous, I was happy that I had just finished, I’ve been looking forward to graduation since I first started school. However I was sad because I would miss my days in college.
The mysterious of what future holds was almost a fairy tales, when ending one chapter and beginning a new one. In the end of Cinderella she has moved into the castle with the charming prince, I could imagine what would happen to Cinderella and the prince, maybe they would give birth to some kids or maybe he would think she was not the woman of his dreams, but her sisters.
Once I heard from the director of my school, who knew as nobody how to deal with that situation; “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
The new chapter of my life would be new, this is my only certain, and for the ones who are experiencing negative emotions I would say to thing best and work for its new accomplishments to became truth.
Graduation Time
At the end of 2007, my high school buddies could not contain their tears as our graduation would mean the last time we would be together. I wonder whether I should feel happy or sad for this special moment.
The graduates were feeling both happy, in a sense of accomplishment of achieving our educational goals and a sense of excitement with taking the next step in our life journey; the excitement of what tomorrow holds now our goals are completed, and sad, when some of them realized that good friends will be lost due to moving to a different university, also fear the new challenge faced of succeeding in career.
I was feeling ambiguous. I was happy that I had just finished one more step in life. I’d been looking forward to graduation since I first started school. However I was sad because I would miss my days at school.
The mystery that the future holds was almost a fairy tales, ending one chapter and beginning a new one. In the end of Cinderella, she moved into the castle with the charming prince. I could imagine what would happen to Cinderella and the prince, if maybe they would give birth to some kids or maybe he would think she was not the woman of his dreams, but her sisters.
Once I heard from the director of my school, who knew as nobody did how to deal with that situation; “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
The new chapter of my life would be new (Careful with obvious statements). This is my only certainty in life, and for the ones who are experiencing negative emotions I would say to think it over and to work towards new accomplishments to become truth.
Content: 4 / 5
Structure: 4 / 5
Vocabulary: 4.5 / 5
Grammar: 5 / 5
Mechanics: 4.5 / 5
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