The Day I Became a Super Hero
August 18, 2008From my brother’s marriage I got a nephew called Fernando. He’s just four, but he seems more intelligent than many adults I know. As my brother is divorced, we don’t have a constant companionship, but we can easily notice how much he develops in couple days. He gets bigger, smarter and more and more loving.
Once, I passed almost a month without seeing him, and when it happens, I miss him a lot. When he’s at my home everything changes: he colors the entire environment with his laugh and toys scattered for the living room. That day we met, my mom promised taking him to the Shopping Mall. My parents and my brothers were ready to go out when suddenly, I figured out I’ve forgot my wallet. I went upstairs heading to my room when I hear – ”Ant Drika… Wait for me!”. As I look behind, Fernando is just following me, trying to go upstairs faster, but his legs were so small that he couldn’t run.
- Hi, dear! Why are you here? Just wait me downstairs, I’ll be there in a few minutes!
- No, I’ll be here waiting for you! Won’t you go to the Shopping Mall with me?
- Of course I will! Look, I’m here just to take the wallet I for…
And before I could finish what I was saying, he embraced me and said ”I love you, ant Drika… and I missed you so much!”. I was paralyzed because that and questioned myself if I did deserve so many love and respect. Fernando has grown up more than I could imagine, he was able to demonstrate love in a simply and voluntary way. More than this, the moment he hugged me I could feel all the responsibility I had because him, not just being a relative, but as a role model, to be someone that he’s proud of and try to imitate all steps in order to be the same.
This happening made me reflect about how many super heroes we had and how many times we get disappointed discovering that super heroes don’t exist… but when YOU are a super hero to someone, the fear of failing disappear. You incredibly get stronger. From that day untill now I can accept any kind of responsibility just to make Fernando smiles.
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The Day I Became a Super Hero
From my brother’s marriage, I got a nephew called Fernando. He’s just four, but seems to be more intelligent than many adults I know (in which way? You would need to offer a short example to illustrate your thoughts)
As my brother is divorced, we don’t have a constant companionship (What do you mean?), but we can easily notice how much he (your brother?) develops in just acouple days. He gets bigger, smarter and more and more loving. (How so? What leads him to be like that? Also, this is the end of your first paragraph, and as a reader, I am still not sure of where you are taking me in your story. Usually, the central theme of your paper should be explicit in this first paragraph.)
Once, I spent almost a month without seeing him, and when it happens, I miss him a lot. When he’s at my home everything changes (careful with empty words like everything): he colors the entire environment with his laughter and toys scattered about in the living room. That day we met (which day?), my mom promised to take him to the mall. My parents and my brothers were ready to go out when suddenly, I figured out I’ve forgot to take my wallet (Adriana, I am still not sure where you are taking me in your paper.)
I went upstairs heading to my room when I heard Fernando’s voice behind me. I noticed that he was just following me, trying to go upstairs faster, but his legs were so small that he couldn’t run.
- Hi, dear! Why are you here? Just wait me downstairs, I’ll be there in a few minutes!
- No, I’ll be here waiting for you! Won’t you go to the Shopping Mall with me?
- Of course I will! Look, I’m here just to take the wallet I for…
(Adriana, as we discussed in class, the use of dialogues weakens your paper. You should try to retell these portions using indirect speech.)
And before I could finish what I was saying, he embraced me, telling me he loved me and missed me so much. I was paralyzed because of that sign of love, and I questioned myself of whether I deserved so much love and respect (Why were you having those thoughts? Why wouldn’t you be deserving of such love?)
Fernando has grown up faster than I could imagine, being able to demonstrate love in a simple and voluntary way. More than this, the moment he hugged me I could feel all the responsibility I had because him, not just being a relative, but as a role model, to be someone that he’s proud of and try to imitate all steps in order to be the same (Hummm, your paper focused so much on the love aspect of it and it feels that you have suddenly changed that idea of love in the idea of responsibility you have over Fernando. What I believe you should do is to select either one of the other issue to focus on. Otherwise, your paper will not have a foreground X background issue, but two foreground ones, which will confuse your reader.)
This happening made me reflect on how many super heroes we have had and how many times we get disappointed discovering that super heroes don’t exist (What are you trying to say here?), but when YOU are (remember that you are not supposed to use second person in writing) a super hero to someone, the fear of failing disappears. You get incredibly stronger (how so?). From that day on, I can accept any kind of responsibility just to make Fernando smile (Hummmm, I am still feeling that I am thrown into a series of general statements here. Adriana, what you need to do is to bring the whole paper down into concrete scenes of what happened and not simply mention the events.)
The Day I Became a Super Hero
From my brother’s marriage, I got a nephew called Fernando. He’s just four, but seems to be more intelligent than many adults I know. Beyond the “being a child”, when you get surprised for any word or doing that a child usually does, Fernando has a special gift of being loving and well behaved. The sweet way that Fernando shows his feeling surprises me because even he’s so young, he can demonstrate a feeling that he can’t understand completely: love.
Whenever I spend a long time without seeing him, I miss him a lot. And I miss the way he changes my home: all toys are scattered for the living room and all environment is colored with his laugh. In a Saturday afternoon my mom promised taking him to the Shopping Mall. All my family were ready to go out when suddenly I figured out I’ve forgot my wallet. I went upstairs heading to my room when I hear ”Ant Drika… Wait for me.” As I look behind, Fernando is just following me, trying to go upstairs faster, but he couldn’t run because his small legs.
I stopped and turned back. Observing his small steps, I remained stuck until he caught my hand and asked me if I would go with him to the Shopping Mall. I shook my head in a positive sign, kept on explaining to wait me downstairs when surprisingly he embraced me and whispered closely that he loves me and missed me so much all the time we spent so far from each other. I got frozen by this affective demonstration, so I hold him close and said how much I love and also missed him.
From that moment, I realized that Fernando has grown up more than I could imagine, he was able to demonstrate love in a simply and voluntary way. More than this, the moment he hugged me came into my mind all situations he imitates me and then smiles, always trying to follow my steps, even in simple doings, like eating or playing with my dog. We are so close he prefers me to brush his tooth and get him into bed. These small, almost invisible actions, made me ponder about how much I love him and the dimension of responsibility he deposits in me as a role model, not a relative anymore.
Children need someone to rely on and try to be the same, this episode made me reflect about becoming an adult, the exact moment when you are mature for you actions and how it affects other people. That day I turned into a role model to Fernando, a genuine super hero, and then both side of being a super hero came to my reality: you must accept the responsibility of taking care of someone, but you’re truly rewarded with a sincere smile. And it’s enough.
The Day I Became a Super Hero
From my brother’s marriage, I got a nephew called Fernando. He’s just four, but seems to be more intelligent than many adults I know. Beyond the “being a child” (What do you mean?), when you (remember you are not supposed to use YOU in your writing) get surprised by any word or doing that a child usually does (hummm repetition of words), Fernando has a special gift of being loving and well behaved. The sweet way that Fernando shows his feeling surprises me because even though he’s young, he can demonstrate a feeling that he can’t understand completely: love.
Whenever I spend a long time without seeing him, I miss him a lot. And I miss the way he changes my home: all toys are scattered about in the living room and all the environment is colored with his laugh. On a Saturday afternoon, my mom promised to take him to the shopping mall. All my family were ready to go out when suddenly I figured I’d forgotten to take my wallet.
Adriana, I have the feeling that you have used your own text as the basis for correction. If you take a look at the text I worked on, many of the grammar errors have already been corrected by me. Compare your new version to the version with my corrections and you will notice grammatical changes.
Rick
I went upstairs heading to my room when I hear ”Ant Drika… Wait for me.” As I look behind, Fernando is just following me, trying to go upstairs faster, but he couldn’t run because his small legs.
I stopped and turned back. Observing his small steps, I remained stuck until he caught my hand and asked me if I would go with him to the Shopping Mall. I shook my head in a positive sign, kept on explaining to wait me downstairs when surprisingly he embraced me and whispered closely that he loves me and missed me so much all the time we spent so far from each other. I got frozen by this affective demonstration, so I hold him close and said how much I love and also missed him.
From that moment, I realized that Fernando has grown up more than I could imagine, he was able to demonstrate love in a simply and voluntary way. More than this, the moment he hugged me came into my mind all situations he imitates me and then smiles, always trying to follow my steps, even in simple doings, like eating or playing with my dog. We are so close he prefers me to brush his tooth and get him into bed. These small, almost invisible actions, made me ponder about how much I love him and the dimension of responsibility he deposits in me as a role model, not a relative anymore.
Children need someone to rely on and try to be the same, this episode made me reflect about becoming an adult, the exact moment when you are mature for you actions and how it affects other people. That day I turned into a role model to Fernando, a genuine super hero, and then both side of being a super hero came to my reality: you must accept the responsibility of taking care of someone, but you’re truly rewarded with a sincere smile. And it’s enough.
The Day I Became a Super Hero
From my brother’s marriage, I got a nephew called Fernando. He’s just four, but seems to be more intelligent than many adults I know. Beyond the “being a child”, when adults get surprised by words or doings that children usually do, Fernando has a special gift of being loving and well behaved. The sweet way that he shows his feeling really surprises me because even though he’s young, he can demonstrate a feeling that he can’t understand completely: love.
Whenever I spend a long time without seeing him, I miss him a lot. And I miss the way he changes my home: all toys are scattered about in the living room and all the environment is colored with his laugh. On a Saturday afternoon, my mom promised to take him to the mall. All my family was ready to go out when suddenly I figured I’ve forgot to take my wallet.
I went upstairs heading to my room when I heard “Ant Drika… Wait for me.” As I look behind, Fernando was just following me, trying to go upstairs faster, but his legs were so small that he couldn’t run.
I stopped and turned back. Observing his small steps, I’d been remained stuck until he caught my hand and asked me if I would go with him to the mall. I shook my head in a positive sign, kept on explaining to wait me downstairs when surprisingly he embraced me and whispered closely that he loved me and missed me so much all the time we spent so far from each other. I got frozen by that sign of love, so I hold him close and said how much I loved and also missed him.
From that moment, I realized that Fernando has grown up faster than I could imagine, being able to demonstrate love in a simply and voluntary way. More than this, the moment he hugged me came into my mind all situations he imitates me and then smiles, always trying to follow my steps, even in simple doings, like eating or playing with my dog. We are so close that he prefers me to brush his tooth and get him into bed. These small, almost invisible actions, made me ponder about how much I love him and the dimension of responsibility he deposits in me as a role model, not a relative anymore.
Children need someone to rely on and try to be the same, this episode made me reflect about becoming an adult, the exact moment when you are mature for you actions and how it affects other people. From that day on, I turned into a super hero to Fernando; then, both side of being a super hero came to my reality: you must accept the responsibility of taking care of someone, but you’re truly rewarded with a sincere smile. And it will be enough.
The Day I Became a Super Hero
From my brother’s marriage, I got a nephew called Fernando. He’s just four, but seems to be more intelligent than many adults I know. Beyond the “being a child”, when adults get surprised by words or doings that children usually do, Fernando has a special gift of being loving and well behaved. The sweet way that he shows his feeling really surprises me because even though he’s young, he can demonstrate a feeling that he can’t understand completely: love.
Whenever I spend a long time without seeing him, I miss him a lot. And I miss the way he changes my home: all toys are scattered about in the living room and all the environment is colored with his laugh. On a Saturday afternoon, my mom promised to take him to the mall. All my family was ready to go out when suddenly I figured I’d forgotten to take my wallet.
I went upstairs heading to my room when I heard him call me. As I look behind, Fernando had just been following me, trying to go upstairs faster, but his legs were so small that he couldn’t run.
I stopped and turned back. Observing his small steps, I’d been remained still until he caught my hand and asked me if I would go with him to the mall. I nooded in agreement, asking him to wait for me downstairs, when surprisingly, he embraced me and whispered closely that he loved me and missed me so much all the time we spent so far from each other. I got frozen by that sign of love, so I held him close to me and said how much I loved him back and also how much I missed him.
From that moment on, I realized that Fernando has grown up faster than I could imagine, being able to demonstrate love in a simple and voluntary way. More than this, the moment he hugged me, all the situations he imitates me and then smiles rushed to my mind, always trying to follow my steps, even in simple doings, like eating or playing with my dog. We are so close that he prefers me (instead of his mom?) to brush his teeth and get him to bed. These small, almost invisible actions, made me ponder about how much I love him and the dimension of responsibility he deposits in me as a role model, and not a relative anymore.
Content: 5 / 5
Structure: 4.5 / 5
Vocabulary: 4 / 5
Grammar: 4.5 / 5
Mechanics: 5 / 5
23 / 25