Old new lesson
August 18, 2008Excitement, fear and satisfaction are some feelings that match with a lot of situations of our lives. Most of these moments has something to do with new experiences. Entering the university is surely a chapter linked to these sensations, it’s all about getting into a whole
Something completely normal for every middle-high class young adult who has barely even reached maturity. Once in a while, the healthy and painful process of growing might be a little more difficult then it seemed before.(before when? maybe if you explore better this “before” you can explain better what you mean) Almost every person with their twenty years should already have (have already) passed for (trough) frustration in relationships, however, something curious is the ability (maybe an other word to describle it better because I think it’s not an ability)) that humans have of “deleting” these lessons and repeat(ing) the same mistake(s).
Such ability rendered bad regressions to(on) my mind. We all know that it’s impossible to maintain deep friendships with a lot of persons for a long time, yet, the happiness and joy (happiness and joy are adjectives very close, maybe you can keep one of them and change the other to make your description “richer”.) of joining a course in the university that you wanted, could be blindful. In fact, by (I would take this BY off) being in the same area that we choosed it’s acceptable to consider very close the kind of interests of our new colleagues with ours, which, by the way, doesn’t mean that necessarily these persons (maybe these persons can be changed by THEY, then your phrase will avoid using PERSONS and PEOPLE to close to each other) will be good people. Well (I think that WELL is to informal to an essay), guess what,(the same comment to guess what) there was our incredible desire to believe in fairy tales covering the reason again. Soon I would discover that all these new best friends would turn to three or four, the majority of the others into something almost like enemies, due to the mutual fake respect that we had for each other and the rest simple colleagues. (maybe you could explain better your feelings. how did they turned almost enemies?)
I’m not meaning all people met in the university in the course, but the first big group formed there (maybe you can take this THERE out) as friends after the firsts weeks of integration. Maybe it could have been a lack of maturity from my part, though I am (was) neither the only nor the youngest who felt this way. Besides, after some reflection of this fact a new way of seeing this (it) was available (maybe you can choose a different word instead of AVAILABLE. this word sounds weird when you want to express a feeling or a new point of view). This situation is quite different from the old high school conflicts (how were the conflicts at high school. maybe you can compare them), now we can see people whose character is in the last period of development, and consequently, might really be bad persons or, at least, really don’t fit with us.
It might not be something that caused many harms or traumas to anyone around our faculty world, but surely it’s a lesson, liking or not, soon most of us is going to work for the first time, better already knowing how to choose who to trust than broking the face. (this paragraph is too long. I think it could be better explained if you divided it in two phrases or more)
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Excitement, fear and satisfaction are some feelings that match with a lot of situations of our lives. Most of these moments has something to do with new experiences. Entering the university is surely a chapter linked to these sensations.(why?)
Something completely normal for every middle-high class young adult who has barely even reached maturity. Once in a while, the healthy and painful process of growing might be a little more difficult then it seemed before.(before when? maybe if you explore better this “before” you can explain better what you mean) Almost every person with their twenty years should already have (have already) passed for (trough) frustration in relationships, however, something curious is the ability (maybe an other word to describle it better because I think it’s not an ability)) that humans have of “deleting” these lessons and repeat(ing) the same mistake(s).
Such ability rendered bad regressions to(on) my mind. We all know that it’s impossible to maintain deep friendships with a lot of persons for a long time, yet, the happiness and joy (happiness and joy are adjectives very close, maybe you can keep one of them and change the other to make your description “richer”.) of joining a course in the university that you wanted, could be blindful. In fact, by (I would take this BY off) being in the same area that we choosed it’s acceptable to consider very close the kind of interests of our new colleagues with ours, which, by the way, doesn’t mean that necessarily these persons (maybe these persons can be changed by THEY, then your phrase will avoid using PERSONS and PEOPLE to close to each other) will be good people. Well (I think that WELL is to informal to an essay), guess what,(the same comment to guess what) there was our incredible desire to believe in fairy tales covering the reason again. Soon I would discover that all these new best friends would turn to three or four, the majority of the others into something almost like enemies, due to the mutual fake respect that we had for each other and the rest simple colleagues. (maybe you could explain better your feelings. how did they turned almost enemies?)
I’m not meaning all people met in the university in the course, but the first big group formed there (maybe you can take this THERE out) as friends after the firsts weeks of integration. Maybe it could have been a lack of maturity from my part, though I am (was) neither the only nor the youngest who felt this way. Besides, after some reflection of this fact a new way of seeing this (it) was available (maybe you can choose a different word instead of AVAILABLE. this word sounds weird when you want to express a feeling or a new point of view). This situation is quite different from the old high school conflicts (how were the conflicts at high school. maybe you can compare them), now we can see people whose character is in the last period of development, and consequently, might really be bad persons or, at least, really don’t fit with us.
It might not be something that caused many harms or traumas to anyone around our faculty world, but surely it’s a lesson, liking or not, soon most of us is going to work for the first time, better already knowing how to choose who to trust than broking the face. (this paragraph is too long. I think it could be better explained if you divided it in two phrases or more)
(I liked very much the way you explored entering the university! unusual and intresting! you were able to make an essay which was not “cliche”!)
Excitement, fear and satisfaction are some feelings that match with a lot of situations of our lives. Most of these moments has something to do with new experiences. Entering the university is surely a chapter linked to these sensations, you see, it’s all about joining a whole new world with old experiencies.
Something completely normal for every middle-high class young adult who has barely even reached maturity. Once in a while, the healthy and painful process of growing might be a little more difficult then it seemed at a first glance. Almost every person with their twenty years should have already ( passed through frustration in relationships, however, something curious is the ability that humans have of “deleting” these lessons and repeating the same mistakes.
Such ability rendered bad regressions to my mind. We all know that it’s impossible to maintain deep friendships with a lot of persons for a long time, yet, the happiness and expectations of joining a course in the university that you wanted, could be blindful. In fact,by being in the same area that we choosed, it’s acceptable to consider very close the kind of interests of our new colleagues with ours, which, by the way, doesn’t mean that necessarily they must have good principles . Well (I think that WELL is to informal to an essay), guess what,(the same comment to guess what) there was our incredible desire to believe in fairy tales covering the reason again. Soon I would discover that all these new best friends would turn to three or four, the majority of the others into something almost like enemies, due to the mutual fake respect that we had for each other. In some way a few of us felt betrayed by these “enemies”, in part for believing so deeply in a recent meeting, and in other part for some mature attitudes of their parts, like creating false images of our behaviors at the campus.
I’m not meaning all people met in the university in the course, but the first big group formed as friends after the firsts weeks of integration. Maybe it could have been a lack of maturity from my part, though I was neither the only nor the youngest who felt this way. Besides, after some reflection of this fact a new way of seeing this was at range.This situation is quite different from the old high school conflicts,there most of the conflicts were caused by the period of unstable teenagers, now we can see people whose character is in the last period of development, and consequently, might really be bad persons or, at least, really don’t fit with us.
It might not be something that caused many harms or traumas to anyone around our faculty world, but surely it’s a lesson. Liking or not, soon most of us is going to work for the first time, better already knowing how to choose who to trust than breaking the face.
Excitement, fear and satisfaction are some feelings that match a lot of situations of our lives. Most of these moments have something to do with new experiences. (Alexandre, your first two sentences create this intimate relationship with the reader as if you were sort of talking to him as a way to introduce your story. Unfortunately, in English, writers cannot be this closely intimately tied with his readers. Maybe, a more effective strategy is to start writing about your experience without this introduction.)
(Maybe you could start your paper here.) Being accepted at a university is about joining a whole new world to a set of old experiencies, a completely normal experience for nearly all high middle class young adult who has barely reached maturity (This is a great sentence
. Once in a while, the healthy but painful process of growing up might be a little more difficult then it seemed at a first glance (What exactly are you referring to here?) Almost every person in their twenties must have already gone through a frustration in their relationships. (Alexandre, where are you going with your paper? I thought it was about getting into college? I am a bit lost here as a reader) however, something curious is the ability that humans have of “deleting” these lessons and repeating the same mistakes again. (Hummmm … where are you going with this train of thought?)
(Alexandre, I am not done with my feedback, but I have to stop here. It is 00:40 a.m. and my eyes are closing involuntarily
I hope you understand. 
I will be giving you feedback at about 10:00 a.m. tomorrow after my first class at Alumni. The second draft is not due until Sunday, so you don’t have to stress over it 
(OK. It is 10:00 in the morning, and I am rested
So here it goes 
Such ability (which ability?) rendered bad regressions to my mind (Hummm, I am a bit lost here. What exactly are you refering to?) We all know that (Be careful with overgeneralizations) it’s impossible (impossible?) to maintain deep friendships with a lot of people for a long time (Why is that? I know some people who have quite a lot of deep friendships with many people around the world),
yet, the happiness and expectation of joining a course in the university that you (who? me? In English, we should avoid the use of the second person YOU. Again, it is too informal.) wanted could be blindful (What do you mean by “blindful”?). In fact, by being in the same area that we have chosen, it’s acceptable to consider very close the kind of interests of our new colleagues with ours (What are you talking about?), which, by the way, doesn’t mean necessarily that they must have good principles (Alexandre, I feel like I have been thrown in an ocean of phisolophical thoughts here without concrete examples illustrating these thoughts.) Well (I think that WELL is to informal to an essay), guess what,(the same comment to guess what) there was our incredible desire to believe in fairy tales covering the reason again (Hummm … what are you talking about here? Which reason are you refering to?)
Soon I would discover that all these new best friends would turn to three or four, the majority of the others into something almost like enemies, due to the mutual fake respect that we had for each other. (Wow. That is quite strong. Again, you will need to explore this thought further by offering a specific example of what happened between you and a specific friend of yours.)
In some way, a few of us (who is US?) felt betrayed by these enemies, in part for believing so deeply in a recent meeting (which meeting?), and in other part for some mature attitudes of their parts, like creating false images of our behaviors at the campus (Alexandre, you NEEEEEEEEEEED to bring this text down to something more concrete.)
I don’t mean all people have met at the university in the course, but the first big group formed as friends after the firsts weeks of integration. Maybe it could have been lack of maturity from my part, though I was neither the only nor the youngest who felt this way (Who are you refering to here? Alexandre, you will need to disclose a lot more facts here to sustain your assertions).
Besides, after some reflection of this fact (which fact?) a new way of seeing this (this what?) was within reach. This situation (which situation?) is quite different from the old high school conflicts (in which sense?), where most of the conflicts were caused by the group of unstable teenagers. Now we can see people whose character is in the last period of development, and consequently, they might really be bad people or, at least, really don’t fit among us.
It (it what?) might not be something that caused much harm or trauma to anyone around our world, but surely it’s a lesson (Alexandre … I am really lost
) Liking or not, soon most of us are going to work for the first time, knowing better how to choose who to trust than falling flat on our face.
Being accepted at a university is about joining a whole new world to a set of old experiencies, a completely normal experience for nearly all high middle class young adult who has barely reached maturity. Once in a while, the healthy but painful process of growing up might be a little more difficult then it seemed at a first glance, it may appear easy to deal with fresh situations, but, in time, something happens and there are moments which will make you feel bad or, at least, divided between some choices.
Almost every person in college is in a old range superior to seventeen, then, the majority must have already gone through a frustration in their relationships. However, something curious is the ability that humans have of “deleting” these lessons and repeating the same mistakes again. Such curious ability rendered bad regressions to my mind, I had to learn some bad lessons again to remember and fix them on me. We all know that extremely hard to maintain deep friendships with a lot of people for a long time, first, because deep relationships takes time to be built, and also, the time required is one thing that is not avaliable for great part of occupied citizens who lives in such a crowded and stressfull city like São Paulo. A last comment about this complications should be that, once formed, these deep relationships are easily transformed into superficial ones, due to the lack of encounters ,avaliability of time and even wish of maintanance of friendships.
Yet, the happiness and expectations of joining the desired course, could be blinding . The human’s mind has the power to make people believe in a infinity of things. When something is confortable to be believed the flow is to accept it as truth, even if such a belief is obviously impossible or false. A dense example would be the idealization of someone who is loved. A mother would hardly accept that her son is a serial killer. There is a resistence to accept in the cruel potential of people when they are already trusted or liked.
Soon I would discover that all these new best friends would turn three or four, the majority of the others into something almost like enemies, feeded by a fake respect for each other. This status was conferred by some episodes. In one of them a, person inverted a situation to save it’s own face and harm the relation between a couple.
I don’t mean all people have met at the university in the course, but the first big group formed as friends after the firsts weeks of integration. Maybe it could have been lack of maturity from my part, though I was neither the only nor the youngest who felt this way, a friend, who is around twenty three years, could describe the same feeling.
Besides, after some reflection a new way of seeing this frustation was within reach. Such situation is quite different from the old high school conflicts, where most of the ‘’shocks” were caused by the group of unstable teenagers. Now we can see people whose character is in the last period of development, and consequently, they might really be bad people or, at least, really don’t fit among us.
This experience might not be something that caused much harm or trauma to anyone around our new world, but surely it’s a lesson. Liking or not, soon most of us are going to work for the first time, knowing better how to choose who to trust than falling flat on our face.
Being accepted at a university is about joining a whole new world to a set of old experiencies, a completely normal experience for nearly all high middle class young adults who have barely reached maturity. Once in a while, the healthy but painful process of growing up might be a little more difficult then it seemed at a first glance, it may appear easy to deal with fresh situations, but, in time, something happens and there are moments which will make you feel bad or, at least, divided between some choices.
Almost every person in college is at an age range superior to seventeen, then (too informal), the majority must have already gone through a frustration in their relationships. However, something curious is the ability that humans have of deleting these lessons and repeating the same mistakes again. Such curious ability rendered bad regressions to my mind, I had to learn some bad lessons again to remember and fix them in me (which bad lessons are you refering to?)
We all know (careful with overgeneralizations) that it is extremely hard to maintain deep friendships with a lot of people for a long time, first, because deep relationships take time to be built, and also, because of the time required that is not avaliable for a great part of busy citizens who live in such a crowded and stressful city like São Paulo.
Once formed, these deep relationships are easily transformed into superficial ones, due to the lack of encounters, avaliability of time and even the wish to maintain such friendships. Yet, the happiness and expectations of joining the desired course (course of what?) could be blinding . The human’s mind has the power to make people believe in an infinity of things (avoid the use of empty words. Alexandre, be careful not to keep your paper at a very philosophical realm. Remember that this paper is supposed to be a narrative on a personal account.)
When something is confortable to be believed, the flow is to accept it as truth, even if such a belief is obviously impossible or false. A classic example would be the idealization of someone who is loved. A mother would hardly accept that her son is a serial killer. There is a resistence to accept in the cruel potential of people when they are already trusted or liked.
Soon I would discover that all these new best friends would turn into three or four, the majority of the others into something almost like enemies, fed by a fake respect for each other. This status was conferred by some episodes. In one of them a, person inverted a situation to save his own face and harm the relation between a couple (You would need to disclose what happened in details in English. Remember that the only two choices you have is to mention and explore what you’ve mentioned in details, or not to mention it at all.)
I don’t mean that all people I have met at the university in the course (What do you mean?), but the first big group formed as friends after the firsts weeks of integration (I am a bit lost here. What are you trying to get accross?)
Maybe it could have been lack of maturity from my part, though I was neither the only nor the youngest who felt this way, a friend, who is around twenty three years old could describe the same feeling (the same feeling towards what? What happened exactly?)
Besides, after some reflection (reflection over what?) a new way of seeing this frustation (frustration of what?) was within reach. Such situation (which situation?) is quite different from the old high school conflicts, where most of the shocks were caused by the group of unstable teenagers. Now we can see people whose character is in the last period of development, and consequently, they might really be bad people or, at least, really not fittingly among us (how so? You would need to offer an example to illustrate your point.)
This experience might not be something that caused much harm or trauma to anyone in our new world, but surely it’s a lesson. Liking or not, soon most of us are going to work for the first time, knowing better how to choose who to trust than falling flat on our face.
Alexandre,
This draft is much better than your first one. However, you are still mentioning lots of ideas that you leave unanswered, which is not what you are supposed to do in English. My suggestion is for you to cut down on all the assertions that you have made that you believe will not add much to your text. For all the assertions that you decide to mantain in your paper, you should explore them further and in excrutiating details.
Rick
Being accepted at an university is about joining a whole new world to a set of old experiences, a completely normal experience for nearly all high middle class young adults who have barely reached maturity. Once in a while, the healthy but painful process of growing up might be a little more difficult then it seemed at a first glance, it may appear easy to deal with fresh situations, but, in time, something happens and there are moments which will make you feel bad or, at least, divided between some choices.
Almost every person in college is at an age range superior to seventeen, for this reason the majority must have already gone through a frustration in their relationships. However, something curious is the ability that humans have of deleting these lessons and repeating the same mistakes again. Such curious ability rendered bad regressions to my mind, I had to learn some bad lessons again, such as regretting to say more than I should, to remember and fix them in me.
It’s well known that it is extremely hard to maintain deep friendships with a lot of people for a long time, first, because deep relationships take time to be built, and also, because of the time required that is not available for a great part of busy citizens who live in such a crowded and stressful city like São Paulo.
Once formed, these deep relationships are easily transformed into superficial ones, due to the lack of encounters, availability of time and even the wish to maintain such friendships. Yet, the happiness and expectations of joining the desired university course could be blinding .
When something is comfortable to be believed, the flow is to accept it as truth, even if such a belief is obviously impossible or false to someone who is looking from another perspective and is not involved in the case. A classic example would be the idealization of someone who is loved. A mother would hardly accept that her son is a serial killer. There is a resistance to accept in the cruel potential of people when they are already trusted or liked.
Soon I would discover that all these new best friends would turn into three or four, the majority of the others into something almost like enemies, fed by a fake respect for each other. This status was conferred by some episodes. In one of them one girl, who has a boyfriend, flirted with one of he’s pals. As a good friend, the guy told the girl’s couple what happened, however, in order to save her face, she inverted the history to her friends and lover. Fortunately, there were more people who knew the case to confirm what really happened.
Maybe it could have been lack of maturity from my part to believe so deeply and quickly in a recent formed group,though I was neither the only nor the youngest who felt this way, a friend, who is around twenty three years old could describe the same frustration.
Besides, after some reflection about the couple’s episode, a new way of seeing this loathsome situation was within reach. Something quite different from the old high school conflicts. Probably the strongest teenager phase’s attribute is the deficit of self-confidence conferred to young folks. To compensate this weak point, humans seek for someone who has something in common, such a feeling like low self-confidence, to be shared. Passed a time this linked feeling usually is separated, at that moment people start to notice if they really have something to do with each other. The difference is, teenagers tend to change a lot more than young adults, due to the scarcity of ground to step when the subject is stability of confidence.
This experience might not be something that caused much harm or trauma to anyone in our new world, but surely it’s a lesson. Liking or not, soon most of us are going to work for the first time,also dealing with familiar situations like marriage are , in some way, connected to this lesson. Better knowing how to choose who to trust than falling flat on our face.
Being accepted at an university is about joining a whole new world to a set of old experiences, a completely normal experience for nearly all high middle class young adults who have barely reached maturity. Once in a while, the healthy but painful process of growing up might be a little more difficult then it seemed at a first glance. It may appear easy to deal with fresh situations, but, in time, something happens and there are moments which will make you (careful with the use of YOU) feel bad or, at least, divided between some choices.
Almost every person in college is at an age range superior to seventeen. For this reason, the majority must have already gone through frustration in their relationships. However, something curious is the ability that humans have of deleting these lessons and repeating the same mistakes again. Such curious ability rendered bad regressions to my mind. I had to learn some bad lessons again, such as regretting to say more than I should, to remember and fix them in me.
It’s well known that it is extremely hard to maintain deep friendships with a lot of people for a long time, first, because deep relationships take time to be built, and also, because of the time required that is not available for a great part of busy citizens who live in such a crowded and stressful city like São Paulo. Once formed, these deep relationships are easily transformed into superficial ones, due to the lack of encounters, availability of time and even the wish to maintain such friendships. Yet, the happiness and expectations of joining the desired university course could be blinding .
When something is comfortable to be believed, the natural flow is to accept it as truth, even if such a belief is obviously impossible or false to someone who is looking from another perspective and is not involved in the case. A classic example would be the idealization of someone who is loved. A mother would hardly accept that her son is a serial killer. There is a resistance to accept in the cruel potential of people when they are already trusted or liked.
Soon I would discover that all these new best friends would turn into three or four, the majority of the others into something almost like enemies, fed by a fake respect for each other. This status was conferred by some episodes. In one of them, one girl, who has a boyfriend, flirted with one of his pals. As a good friend, the guy told the girl’s couple what had happened. However, in order to save her face, she inverted the history to her friends and lover. Fortunately, there were more people who knew the case to confirm what really happened.
Maybe it could have been lack of maturity from my part to believe so deeply and quickly in a recent formed group,though I was neither the only nor the youngest who felt this way, a friend, who is around twenty three years old could describe the same frustration.
Besides, after some reflection about the couple’s episode, a new way of seeing this loathsome situation was within reach. Something quite different from the old high school conflicts. Probably the strongest teenager phase’s attribute is the deficit of self-confidence conferred to young folks. To compensate for this weak point, humans seek for someone who has something in common, such a feeling like low self-confidence, to be shared.
After some time, this linked feeling usually is separated, at that moment people start to notice if they really have something to do with each other. The difference is, teenagers tend to change a lot more than young adults, due to the scarcity of ground to step when the subject is stability of confidence.
This experience might not be something that caused much harm or trauma to anyone in our new world, but surely it’s a lesson. Liking or not, soon most of us are going to work for the first time,also dealing with familiar situations like marriage are , in some way, connected to this lesson. Better knowing how to choose who to trust than falling flat on our face.
Content: 5 / 5
Organization: 4 / 5
Vocabulary : 5 / 5
Grammar: 5 / 5
Mechanics: 4 / 5
23 / 25