An accident that changed my way to live
August 13, 2008I didn’t know how much I cared and loved my brother until an accident happend.
My mother and I went on vacation together on January of 2006 to USA, and my older brother stayed here in Brasil, in Guaruja with his friends on vacation too. It was just about hours that we got home(my mom and I) and we were both asleep, I heard the phone rang, and as I was asleep I wouldn’t answer the phone, but in this particular day I did. It was my brother’s best friend on the phone, Marcos, telling me that my brother had crashed the car, but that it was okay, nothing to worry,so I went back to sleep, as normal.
After 20 minutes, the phone rang again, and I picked up, it was Marcos saying in a calm voice, because he didn´t want to scary me, that the accident was serious and he asked me to call my mother,I ran to my mother’s bedroom and called her.She was so terrify that she cannot belived what I was saying, she jumped from the bed, put some clothes and called Marcos. He explained what had happened and she went immediatly to Guaruja with my driver. I stayed here in Sao Paulo just waiting for to call , I was still in shock, I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly she called me and told me to call my grandmother and ask if she could come here to Sao Paulo to help my mother take care of my brother. I called my grandmother and explained everything and so she came here to Sao Paulo as soon as she could.
My mother came here with an ambulance with my brother,he was seriously enjuried. She got him in Einstein Hospital, he stayed in UTI for 7 days, during his staying in UTI he undergone a lot of surgeries to fix what was broken, my mother stayed every minute with my brother and my grandmother too, I visited my brother almost everyday, because I don’t really like hospitals and I felt bad when I was there.
I was at home all by myself doing nothing, just praying that he woudl get better, My maid was on vacation so It didn’t have anything to eat so I lost a lot of weight, not only for that reason but I lost my appetite.
After 7 days, my brother came back home, he was much better, but he doesn’t remember anything for the accident until today.
That summer was the worst summer for my family, my mother almost lost her son and I almost lost my brother, then I start to care more for him and love him more.
I think when you almost loose someone very important, you start to care more for your life.
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An accident that changed my way to live
August 13, 2008
I didn’t know how much I cared and loved my brother until an accident happen(e)d.
Me and my Mother (My Mother and I) went on vacation [together] on January [of] 2006 [where?], and my brother [younger?]stayed here in Brasil, in Guaruja, especifically [he lives in Guaruja?].
It was just about hours that [w]We got home (my mom and I) and we were both asleep, I hear[d] the phone rang, [and] as I was asleep I wouldn’t answer the phone, but [in] this particula[r] day I did. [For my surprise], [i]It was my brother’s best friend on the phone, Marcos, telling me that he [Marcos or your brother? If was Marcos, why was him telling you this?] had crashed the car, but that it was okay, nothing to worry, so I went back to sleep, as normal.
After 20 minutes, the phone rang again, and I picked up, it was Marcos saying [how? the voice was different?] that [it was serious] the accident [was serious] [and soon asked me to call my mother] and he told me to call my mother, so [you may change this word?] I ran to my mother’s bedroom [in what mood?] and called her, [full stop]. [she woke up scared and ...] she was so terrify that she cannot belived what I was saying, she jumped from the bed, put some clothes and called Marcos. He explained what had happened and she went [immediatly] to Guaruja [,in order to help my brother]. I stayed here in Sao Paulo just waiting for her [to] call [me], I was still in shock, I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly she called me [avoiding telling me what really happened to my brother] and told me to call [ask] my grandmother [and ask] if she could[n’t] come here to Sao Paulo to help her take care of my brother. I called my grandmother and explained everything and so she came here to Sao Paulo as soon as she could.
My mother came here with an ambulance with my brother,he was seriously enjuried, and put him on [sonds weird] Einstein Hospital, he stayed in UTI for 7 days, (during what he) [I remembered that he] undergone a lot of surgeries to fix what was broken, (full stop). my mother stayed every minute with my brother and my grandmother too, I visited my brother almost everyday, because I don’t really like hospitals and I felt bad when I was there.
I was at home all by myself doing nothing, just praying that he woudl [would] get better, My maid was on vacation so It didn’t have anything to eat so I lost a lot of weight, not only for that reason but I lost my appetite. [My opinion, don´t mention the fact that your maid was on vacation, just that the situation leaves you to lose weight because you´re so worried about the situation...]
After 7 days, my brother came back home, he was much better, [eventhough] but he doesn’t remember anything [regarding] for the accident until today.
That summer was the worst [summer for my family, [since] (we almost have lost our X) [my mother almost lost her son and I almost lost my brother], then I start to care more for him and love him [even] more.
I think when you almost loose someone very important, you start to care more for your life [and to understand how important is everybody from your family to you].
I´m glad your brother is fine. I have a distant friend that is around 2 years at UTI… Congratulations your text is nice!
I didn’t know how much I cared and loved my brother until an accident happend.
My mother and I went on vacation together on January of 2006 to USA, and my older brother stayed here in Brasil, in Guaruja with his friends on vacation too. It was just about hours that we got home(my mom and I) and we were both asleep, I heard the phone rang, and as I was asleep I wouldn’t answer the phone, but in this particular day I did. It was my brother’s best friend on the phone, Marcos, telling me that my brother had crashed the car, but that it was okay, nothing to worry,so I went back to sleep, as normal.
After 20 minutes, the phone rang again, and I picked up, it was Marcos saying in a calm voice, because he didn´t want to scary me, that the accident was serious and he asked me to call my mother,I ran to my mother’s bedroom and called her.She was so terrify that she cannot belived what I was saying, she jumped from the bed, put some clothes and called Marcos. He explained what had happened and she went immediatly to Guaruja with my driver. I stayed here in Sao Paulo just waiting for to call , I was still in shock, I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly she called me and told me to call my grandmother and ask if she could come here to Sao Paulo to help my mother take care of my brother. I called my grandmother and explained everything and so she came here to Sao Paulo as soon as she could.
My mother came here with an ambulance with my brother,he was seriously enjuried. She got him in Einstein Hospital, he stayed in UTI for 7 days, during his staying in UTI he undergone a lot of surgeries to fix what was broken, my mother stayed every minute with my brother and my grandmother too, I visited my brother almost everyday, because I don’t really like hospitals and I felt bad when I was there.
I was at home all by myself doing nothing, just praying that he woudl get better, My maid was on vacation so It didn’t have anything to eat so I lost a lot of weight, not only for that reason but I lost my appetite.
After 7 days, my brother came back home, he was much better, but he doesn’t remember anything for the accident until today.
That summer was the worst summer for my family, my mother almost lost her son and I almost lost my brother, then I start to care more for him and love him more.
I think when you almost loose someone very important, you start to care more for your life.
I didn’t know how much I cared and loved my brother until an accident happened. My mother and I went on vacation together on January of 2006 to the USA, and my older brother stayed here in Brazil, in Guaruja with his friends on vacation too.
My mom and I had just gotten home (Home? But I thought you were in the US?) and we were both asleep when I heard the phone ring. As I was asleep, I wouldn’t answer the phone, but on this particular day, I did (Why do you think you did it? Do you believe in angels warning us of situations like that?)
It was my brother’s best friend on the phone, Marcos, telling me that my brother had crashed the car, but that there was nothing to be worry about, so (Careful with SO. SO is very weak. It is equivalent to DAI in Portuguese.) I went back to sleep, as normal.
After 20 minutes, the phone rang again, and I picked it up. It was Marcos saying in a calm voice that the accident was serious and he asked me to call my mother. I ran to my mother’s bedroom and called her. (Careful not to state the obvious to your reader.)She was so terrified (Jes, here you have to SHOW how terrified your mom was.)
that she could not belive what I was saying. She jumped off the bed, put some clothes on and called Marcos.
He explained what had happened and she headed back immediatly to Guaruja with my driver. I stayed here in Sao Paulo (but weren’t you in the States?) just waiting for a call. I was still in shock. I didn’t know what to do (What did you do then?) Suddenly (Suddenly is a very weak connector), she called me and told me to call my grandmother and ask if she could come here to Sao Paulo to help my mother take care of my brother. (What was your brother’s real condition at the time?) I called my grandmother and explained everything (everything is a vague word)and so she came here to Sao Paulo as soon as she could.
My mother came here (here where?) in an ambulance with my brother, who was seriously injured. She got him (got him?) in Einstein Hospital, he stayed at the ICU for 7 days. (Again, the reader would be curious as to what his conditions were). During his stay at ICU, he underwent a lot of surgeries to fix what was broken. (Jes, you should not maintain your writing at this general level. I would like you to read Renata’s paper because she is also dealing with some surgeries)
My mother stayed with my brother every minute and my grandmother too (Again, you need to bring this description to a more specific area to make your writing unique) I visited my brother almost everyday because I don’t really like hospitals and I felt bad (Jessica, here you are TELLING your reader about how bad you felt. You need to SHOW it to the reader) when I was there.
I was at home all by myself doing nothing, just praying that he would get better (Jessica, you need to start working on the quality of your vocabulary words. Avoid easy words like BETTER, GOOD, HAVE, AND, the verb to be.) My maid was on vacation so I didn’t have anything to eat so I lost a lot of weight, not only for that reason but I had also lost my appetite.
After 7 days, my brother came back home. He was much better, but he didn’t remember anything about the accident until today.
That summer was the worst summer for my family. My mother almost lost her son and I almost lost my brother. I started to care more for him and love him more.
I think when you almost lose someone very important in your life, you start to care more for your own life.
Jessica,
I believe you are trying to cover a very long period of time of that experience. You start with:
(1) You and your mother in the US
(2) Your brother being alone here in Brazil
(3) His accident in Guaruja
(4) His friend trying to get in touch with the two of you
(5) Your mother rushing to the hospital
(6) YOu calling your grandmother
(7) Them spending time with your brother in the hospital
(8) You staying alone at home doing nothing
(9) The maid not being there to cook for you
(10) Your brother coming home
(11) Your conclusion
What you need to do is to select fewer “scenes” and explore them further with more sophisticated language so that your experience is a UNIQUE experience that your reader will be able to be exposed to.
Rick
I didn’t know how much I cared and loved my brother until an accident happened. My mother and I went on vacation together on January of 2006 to the USA, and my older brother stayed here in Brazil, in Guaruja with his friends on vacation too.
My mom and I had just gotten home from the US and we were both asleep when I heard the phone ring. As I was asleep, I wouldn’t answer the phone, but on this particular day, I did because something was telling me to answer it.
It was my brother’s best friend on the phone, Marcos, telling me that my brother had crashed the car.I ran to my mother’s bedroom and called her. She was so terrified,that I could see tears in her eyes.She jumped off the bed, put some clothes on and called Marcos.
He explained what had happened and she headed back immediatly to Guaruja with my driver. I stayed here in Sao Paulo just waiting for a call. I was still in shock.When my mother called,she told me that she was in an ambulance with my brother, who was unconcious and bleeding a lot,therefore she was going directly to Eistein Hospital.
My brother stayed at the ICU for 7 days. He broke his Clavicula, timpano and the entire left side of his face was paralised for a month. The best doctors fixed what he had broken.
My mother stayed with my brother every minute and my grandmother too (Again, you need to bring this description to a more specific area to make your writing unique) I visited my brother almost everyday because I don’t really like hospitals and I felt bad (Jessica, here you are TELLING your reader about how bad you felt. You need to SHOW it to the reader) when I was there.
I was at home all by myself doing nothing, just praying that he would get better (Jessica, you need to start working on the quality of your vocabulary words. Avoid easy words like BETTER, GOOD, HAVE, AND, the verb to be.) My maid was on vacation so I didn’t have anything to eat so I lost a lot of weight, not only for that reason but I had also lost my appetite.
After 7 days, my brother came back home. He was much better, but he didn’t remember anything about the accident until today.
That summer was the worst summer for my family. My mother almost lost her son and I almost lost my brother. I started to care more for him and love him more.
I think when you almost lose someone very important in your life, you start to care more for your own life.
I didn’t know how much I cared and loved my brother until an accident happened. My mother and I went on vacation together in January of 2006 to the USA, and my older brother stayed here in Brazil, in Guaruja with his friends on vacation too.
My mom and I had just gotten home from the US and we were both asleep when I heard the phone ring. As I was asleep, I wouldn’t answer the phone, but on this particular day, I did it because something was telling me to answer it.
It was my brother’s best friend on the phone, Marcos, telling me that my brother had crashed his car.I ran to my mother’s bedroom and called her. She was so terrified that I could see tears in her eyes. She jumped off the bed, put some pajamas on and called Marcos.
He explained what had happened and she headed back to Guaruja with my driver right away. I stayed here in Sao Paulo still in shock just waiting for a call. When my mother called me back, she told me that she was in an ambulance heading to hospital with my uncouncious brother, who was bleeding a lot.
My brother stayed at the ICU for 7 days. He broke his Clavicula, timpano and the entire left side of his face was paralised for a month. The best doctors fixed what he had broken. My mother stayed with my brother every minute and my grandmother too
Jessica,
You have not finished going over my comments
Maybe you can do it now.
Rick
(Again, you need to bring this description to a more specific area to make your writing unique) I visited my brother almost everyday because I don’t really like hospitals and I felt bad (Jessica, here you are TELLING your reader about how bad you felt. You need to SHOW it to the reader) when I was there.
I was at home all by myself doing nothing, just praying that he would get better (Jessica, you need to start working on the quality of your vocabulary words. Avoid easy words like BETTER, GOOD, HAVE, AND, the verb to be.) My maid was on vacation so I didn’t have anything to eat so I lost a lot of weight, not only for that reason but I had also lost my appetite.
After 7 days, my brother came back home. He was much better, but he didn’t remember anything about the accident until today.
That summer was the worst summer for my family. My mother almost lost her son and I almost lost my brother. I started to care more for him and love him more.
I think when you almost lose someone very important in your life, you start to care more for your own life
I didn’t know how much I cared and loved my brother until an accident happened. My mother and I went on vacation together in January of 2006 to the USA, and my older brother stayed here in Brazil, in Guaruja with his friends on vacation too.
My mom and I had just gotten home from the US and we were both asleep when I heard the phone ring. As I was asleep, I wouldn’t answer the phone, but on this particular day, I did it because something was telling me to answer it.
It was my brother’s best friend on the phone, Marcos, telling me that my brother had crashed his car.I ran to my mother’s bedroom and grabbed her arm to wake her up. She was so terrified that I could see tears in her eyes. She jumped off the bed, put some pajamas on and called Marcos.
He explained what had happened and she headed back to Guaruja with my driver right away. I stayed here in Sao Paulo still in shock just waiting for a call. When my mother called me back, she told me that she was in an ambulance heading to hospital with my uncouncious brother, who was bleeding a lot.
My brother stayed at the ICU for 7 days. He broke his Clavicula, timpano and the entire left side of his face was paralised for a month. The best doctors fixed what he had broken. My mother stayed with my brother every minute, before and after every surgery he undergone, and so did my grandmother.
As I’m not a big fan of hospitals,I stayed in my house just praying fo him to get recovered from the surgeries.
After 7 days, my brother came back home. He had a swifter recovery.
That summer was the worst summer for my family. My mother almost lost her son and I almost lost my brother. I started to care more for him and love him more.
I think when you almost lose someone very important in your life, you start to care more for your own life.
I didn’t know how much I cared and loved my brother until an accident happened. My mother and I went on vacation together in January of 2006 to the USA, and my older brother stayed here in Brazil, in Guaruja with his friends on vacation too.
My mom and I had just gotten home from the US and we were both asleep when I heard the phone ring. As I was asleep, I wouldn’t answer the phone, but on this particular day, I did it because something was telling me to answer it.
It was my brother’s best friend on the phone, Marcos, telling me that my brother had crashed his car. I ran to my mother’s bedroom and grabbed her arm to wake her up. She was so terrified that I could see tears in her eyes. She jumped off the bed, put some pajamas on and called Marcos.
He explained what had happened and she headed back to Guaruja with my driver right away. I stayed here in Sao Paulo still in shock just waiting for a call. When my mother called me back, she told me that she was in an ambulance heading to hospital with my uncouncious brother, who was bleeding a lot.
My brother stayed at the ICU for 7 days. He broke his Clavicula, timpano and the entire left side of his face was paralised for a month. The best doctors fixed what he had broken. My mother stayed with my brother every minute, before and after every surgery he undergone, and so did my grandmother.
As I’m not a big fan of hospitals,I stayed in my house just praying fo him to get recovered from the surgeries. After 7 days, my brother came back home. He had a swifter recovery.
That summer was the worst summer for my family. My mother almost lost her son and I almost lost my brother. I started to care more for him and love him more.
When you almost lose someone very important in your life, you start to care more for your own life.
(Careful not to use the pronoun YOU.)
Content: 4.5 / 5
Structure: 4 / 5
Vocabulary : 4 / 5
Grammar: 4.5 / 5
Mechanics: 5 / 5
Final Grade: 22 / 25