Big victory inside
August 13, 2008My sweating cold hand was holding my mother’s hand. I was clearly tense. As the line moved on and my turn came closer I could felt my feet and hands more and more perspiring. I’d already tried too many times, but always came back to the end of the long line all “fallen looked”. Finally I was there. In front of me an old soccer ball and not much far a smal goal all made in wood. I could felt my legs heavy and my body rigified, even so I had to try it again. I took distance, ran toward the ball, kicked and the same frustrating result. I was only four yers old, but I could already felt that pressure. Simple and even enjoyable things semmed like hard tasks. Since that age my exigence with my self was so excessive that couldn’t stand to make certain types of mistake, specially when they had to do with sports.
Twelve years later, with many experiences of pressure, glory and disappointments, I felt that my real test was comming. I passed on a “select test” to training on a soccer team which was going to play the most famouse women championchip at USA. I was one of the oldest of team and soon I became captain. I liked that position of lidership but also feared the challengings that it imposed.
At the semi-final the game was tough and fast ran in to the penaltys. I had already missed one and achieved other during the champ. When the coach asked who wanted to kick, I knew I had to answer “I do”, after all I was the captain and this was my function. I was the first to kick. Lots of thoughts invaded my mind on my way to the ball. Again that scene. But this time the ball was shining, the goal was bigger and a enormous goal-kipper was staring me with anger. I could see a bunch of people all rooting and cheering, but couldn’t heard anything. My mind was closed on its own thoughts. Again I felt my legs heavy and my body rigified. I took the ball and put it on the penalty spot. I felt my heart beating fast and my veins pulsating as I took few steps back. I looked the ball and concentrated all my energies. I ran in the direction of it like who run to overcome a bigger obstacle. When I saw that the ball was spinning inside the goal and the goal-kipper was looking me with sad eyes I ran as fast as I could to meet my team and celebrate. With them I celebrated the goal, but only I knew what the size of my victory.
rick042570
lopetins
roselainegoncalves
renatosung
festefanelo
annieg88
clofelix
mariliaammg
beatrch
raffaborelli
pinzoca
rbollier
paolahsieh
delioemf
I’m curious about your assignment; your introduction is great, congrat. Fabio.
Big victory inside
August 13, 2008
My sweating cold hand was holding my mother’s hand. I was clearly tense(how clearly? The way you were acting). As the line moved on and my turn came closer I could felt(was able to feel?) my feet and hands more and more perspiring. I’d already tried too many times, but always came back to the end of the long line all “fallen looked”. Finally I was there. In front of me an old soccer ball and not much far a smal(Spelling) goal all made in wood. I could felt(Verb Tense) my legs heavy and my body rigified(rigid?), even so I had to try it again. I took distance, ran toward the ball, kicked and the same frustrating result(Why was it so frustating?). I was only four yers(spelling) old, but I could already felt(Verb Tense) that pressure. Simple and even enjoyable things semmed(?) like hard tasks. Since that age my exigence with my self(just one word) was so excessive that couldn’t stand to make certain types of mistake(who?), specially when they had to do with sports.
Twelve years later, with many experiences of pressure, glory and disappointments, I felt that my real test was comming. I passed on a “select test”(selection) to training(train) on(in?) a soccer team which was going to play the most famouse(?) women championchip at USA. I was one of the oldest of team and soon I( Unecessary “I” ) became captain. I liked that position of lidership(spelling) but also feared the challengings that it imposed.(Tell more about these challenges)
At the semi-final the game was tough and fast(Weird start, needs punctiation) ran in to(one word) the penaltys. I had already missed one and achieved other during the champ. When the coach asked who wanted to kick(give it a shot, try), I knew I had to answer “I do”, after all I was the captain and this was my function. I(try to start without the first person) was the first to kick. Lots of thoughts invaded my mind on my way to the ball. Again that scene.(punctuation) But this time the ball was shining, the goal was bigger and a enormous goal-kipper(spelling) was staring me with anger. I could see a bunch of people all rooting and cheering, but couldn’t heard(Verb Tense) anything. My mind was closed on its own thoughts. Again I felt my legs heavy and my body rigified(hardened?). I took the ball and put it on the penalty spot. I felt my heart beating fast and my veins pulsating as I took few(something missing) steps back. I looked the ball and concentrated all my energies. I(too much periods iniciated by the same way) ran in the direction of it like who run(verb tense) to overcome a bigger obstacle. When I saw that the ball was spinning inside the goal and the goal-kipper(spelling) was looking me with sad eyes I ran as fast as I could to meet my team and celebrate. With them I celebrated the goal, but only I knew what the size of my victory.
Big victory inside
August 13, 2008
My sweating cold hand was holding my mother’s hand. I was clearly tense. As the line moved on and my turn came closer was able to feel my feet and hands more and more perspiring. I’d already tried too many times, but always came back to the end of the long line all “fallen looked”. Finally I was there. In front of me an old soccer ball and not much far a small goal all made in wood. I could feel my legs heavy and my body rigid, even so I had to try it again. I took distance, ran toward the ball, kicked and the same frustrating result. The frustration grew every new chance that I tried. I was only four years old, but I could already feel that pressure. Simple and even enjoyable things turned like hard tasks. Since that age my exigence with myself was so excessive that I couldn’t stand making certain types of mistake, specially when they had to do with sports.
Twelve years later, with many experiences of pressure, glory and disappointments, I felt that my real test was comming. I passed on a selection to train in a soccer team which was going to play the biggest women championchip at USA. Because I was one of the oldest of the team soon I became captain and realized that I liked that position of leadership but also feared the challengings that it imposed. (what type of challengings?)
At the semi-final the game was tough and fast(Weird start, needs punctiation) ran in to(one word) the penaltys. I had already missed one and achieved other during the champ. When the coach asked who wanted to kick(give it a shot, try), I knew I had to answer “I do”, after all I was the captain and this was my function. I(try to start without the first person) was the first to kick. Lots of thoughts invaded my mind on my way to the ball. Again that scene.(punctuation) But this time the ball was shining, the goal was bigger and a enormous goal-kipper(spelling) was staring me with anger. I could see a bunch of people all rooting and cheering, but couldn’t heard(Verb Tense) anything. My mind was closed on its own thoughts. Again I felt my legs heavy and my body rigified(hardened?). I took the ball and put it on the penalty spot. I felt my heart beating fast and my veins pulsating as I took few(something missing) steps back. I looked the ball and concentrated all my energies. I(too much periods iniciated by the same way) ran in the direction of it like who run(verb tense) to overcome a bigger obstacle. When I saw that the ball was spinning inside the goal and the goal-kipper(spelling) was looking me with sad eyes I ran as fast as I could to meet my team and celebrate. With them I celebrated the goal, but only I knew what the size of my victory.
Big victory inside
The cold wind and the cloudy day almost couldn’t be noted as the typical celebration got more and more crowded. The ambient was cheerful with a scenary plenty of colours, a loud typical music, an abudance of food and all that children, whose bigest
My sweaty cold hand held my mother’s hand as the line moved on. I’d already tried too many times, but always came back to the end of the long line all “fallen looked” (What do you mean? And actually, what is going on? Tita, in English, you are supposed to situate the reader from the very beginning of your text. You cannot leave the reader hanging in the air not knowing what is going on for such a long time).
Finally, I was there (There where?). In front of me, an old soccer ball and not much far, a small goal all made in wood (???? Where are you going with this text?). I could feel my legs getting heavy and my body rigid, even though I had to try it again (What do you mean????).
I took the distance, ran toward the ball, kicked it and got the same frustrating result (??? What was it? A real game? Soccer practice? PE classes? Fun with the neighbors on the street? Tita, there is something called setting in English. Setting is the location in which the story takes place. You need to provide a clear setting from the beginning of your paper in English.)
The frustration (of what?) grew at every new chance that I tried (Tried to do what? Kick the ball?) I was only four years old, but I could already feel that pressure (Coming from where? For you to do what? And how did this pressure come to you? You would need to provide a story to illustrate this idea, Tita.)
Simple and even enjoyable things (which things are you referring to?) turned like hard tasks (In which sense? As a reader, I am a bit lost as to where you are going with this paper.) Since that tender age, I have always been hard on myself. I couldn’t stand making certain types of mistakes, specially when they had to do with sports (Why is that? Did you feel intense pressure coming from your parents?)
Twelve years later, with many experiences of pressure, glory and disappointments, I felt that my real test was coming (In which sense?). I was accepted in a soccer team, which was going to participate in the biggest women championship in the USA (Oh, maybe this is your setting, Tita. You should have started your paper by providing all the information of what, where, how, why of your story.
Because I was one of the oldest in the team, I soon became captain (Did you become captain only because you were the oldest? Weren’t there other reasons for you to do so?) and realized that I liked that position of leadership (Why did you like it so much?), but also feared the challenges that it imposed. (What type of challenges?)
The semi-final the game was tough (Again, you need to SHOW that the game was tough and not simply mention it). I had already a missed penalty and achieved (What do you mean here? Other what?) other during the championship. When the coach asked us who wanted to give it a shot, I knew I had to volunteer; after all, I was the captain and this was my function (Function to do what?). I was the first to kick (Careful with the repetition of the same ideas)
Lots of thoughts rushed through my mind on my way to the ball. Again that scene (which scene?) But this time the ball was shining (what do you mean?), the goal was bigger and a enormous goalkeeper was staring at me in anger. (Careful with the overuse of the verb to be. It makes your writing weaker
I could see a crowd of people all rooting and cheering for us, but I couldn’t hear anything. My mind was focused on its own thoughts (What do you mean?) Again, I felt the weight on my legs and my body hardened (Tita, avoid the repetition of the same imagery in your narratives. In story telling, you should always offer something new.)
I grabbed the ball in my hands and placed it on the penalty spot. I felt my heart beating fast and my veins pulsating as I took a few steps back (Wow, Tita, this is an excellent sentence, full of images and emotions.)
I looked at the ball and concentrated all my energies on it. I ran towards as if to overcome a bigger obstacle. When I saw that the ball was spinning inside the goal and the goalkeeper was looking at me with her sad eyes. I ran as fast as I could to meet my team and celebrate. With them, I celebrated the goal, but only I knew the size of my victory.
Tita,
You can definitely keep this topic
My suggestion for you besides what I have written throughout the paper is for you to work on vocabulary and grammar sophistication. Many of your sentences contain basic vocabulary words that could be replaced by more advanced ones. Also, your grammar structures tend to be SUBJECT + VERB + COMPLEMENT without much variety. Try to combine some sentences and avoid weak words like the verb to be and conjunctions such as AND and BUT.)
Rick
Big victory inside
The cold wind and the cloudy day almost couldn’t be noted as the typical celebration got more and more crowded. The ambient was cheerful with a scenary plenty of colours, a loud typical music, an abudance of food and all that children, whose bigest
My sweaty cold hand held my mother’s hand as the line moved on. I’d already tried too many times, but always came back to the end of the long line all “fallen looked” (What do you mean? And actually, what is going on? Tita, in English, you are supposed to situate the reader from the very beginning of your text. You cannot leave the reader hanging in the air not knowing what is going on for such a long time).
Finally, I was there (There where?). In front of me, an old soccer ball and not much far, a small goal all made in wood (???? Where are you going with this text?). I could feel my legs getting heavy and my body rigid, even though I had to try it again (What do you mean????).
I took the distance, ran toward the ball, kicked it and got the same frustrating result (??? What was it? A real game? Soccer practice? PE classes? Fun with the neighbors on the street? Tita, there is something called setting in English. Setting is the location in which the story takes place. You need to provide a clear setting from the beginning of your paper in English.)
The frustration (of what?) grew at every new chance that I tried (Tried to do what? Kick the ball?) I was only four years old, but I could already feel that pressure (Coming from where? For you to do what? And how did this pressure come to you? You would need to provide a story to illustrate this idea, Tita.)
Simple and even enjoyable things (which things are you referring to?) turned like hard tasks (In which sense? As a reader, I am a bit lost as to where you are going with this paper.) Since that tender age, I have always been hard on myself. I couldn’t stand making certain types of mistakes, specially when they had to do with sports (Why is that? Did you feel intense pressure coming from your parents?)
Twelve years later, with many experiences of pressure, glory and disappointments, I felt that my real test was coming (In which sense?). I was accepted in a soccer team, which was going to participate in the biggest women championship in the USA (Oh, maybe this is your setting, Tita. You should have started your paper by providing all the information of what, where, how, why of your story.
Because I was one of the oldest in the team, I soon became captain (Did you become captain only because you were the oldest? Weren’t there other reasons for you to do so?) and realized that I liked that position of leadership (Why did you like it so much?), but also feared the challenges that it imposed. (What type of challenges?)
The semi-final the game was tough (Again, you need to SHOW that the game was tough and not simply mention it). I had already a missed penalty and achieved (What do you mean here? Other what?) other during the championship. When the coach asked us who wanted to give it a shot, I knew I had to volunteer; after all, I was the captain and this was my function (Function to do what?). I was the first to kick (Careful with the repetition of the same ideas)
Lots of thoughts rushed through my mind on my way to the ball. Again that scene (which scene?) But this time the ball was shining (what do you mean?), the goal was bigger and a enormous goalkeeper was staring at me in anger. (Careful with the overuse of the verb to be. It makes your writing weaker
I could see a crowd of people all rooting and cheering for us, but I couldn’t hear anything. My mind was focused on its own thoughts (What do you mean?) Again, I felt the weight on my legs and my body hardened (Tita, avoid the repetition of the same imagery in your narratives. In story telling, you should always offer something new.)
I grabbed the ball in my hands and placed it on the penalty spot. I felt my heart beating fast and my veins pulsating as I took a few steps back (Wow, Tita, this is an excellent sentence, full of images and emotions.)
I looked at the ball and concentrated all my energies on it. I ran towards as if to overcome a bigger obstacle. When I saw that the ball was spinning inside the goal and the goalkeeper was looking at me with her sad eyes. I ran as fast as I could to meet my team and celebrate. With them, I celebrated the goal, but only I knew the size of my victory.
Tita,
You can definitely keep this topic
My suggestion for you besides what I have written throughout the paper is for you to work on vocabulary and grammar sophistication. Many of your sentences contain basic vocabulary words that could be replaced by more advanced ones. Also, your grammar structures tend to be SUBJECT + VERB + COMPLEMENT without much variety. Try to combine some sentences and avoid weak words like the verb to be and conjunctions such as AND and BUT.)
Rick