
Thank God My Guardian Angel Was Awake
May 12, 2008Thank God, my guardian angel was awake.
Although I am not a very organized person, life has treated me really well. I‘ve been working in what I like. I have a husband and daughters who love me and respect me a lot. I have qualities and flaws like any ordinary person. Despite being inattentive sometimes, I fell as if someone draws unexpectedly me out of a trouble I can be involved in.
A couple of days ago I went through an experience of fear, anxiety and relief at the same time. My husband and I bought an under construction family beach house. As
the construction was over I contracted some workers-a cabinet-maker for the assembling of bed rooms and kitchen’s closets, an electrician, a wall painter, a gardener-to let the house like I had drawn ,once I work as interior decorator .
It was in the middle of Wednesday morning when the condominium caretaker called me. He wanted to inform that the bedroom and kitchen’s closets were almost ready and if it would be possible to me to go there to check the work done. Therefore, I decided to go to Juquehy right after I turned the telephone off. I asked my nice house secretary Maria to go with me as a companion, once I would not like to drive alone on a road.
I took all important material to check the work it was done there- some drawings I had made, a tape measure, pencils etc. I put everything together in a bag , took my wallet and. After having filled up the tank, Maria and I headed toward the road.
We were having a nice trip until we reached the toll. Maybe I should have been absent-minded for a moment resulting my doubt seconds before I took the “sem parar” line. The car shook a little and because of that action , right after going through the toll, a road-policeman signaled me to stop the car. I stopped it very confident of myself, once I was driving in a correct way ant there was nothing wrong with the car, as well.
As I lowered the car window, the policeman approached my vehicle, asking me for my car’s license and right after for my driver’s license plate, as well. Meanwhile I was looking for my driver’s license I explained him I was in doubt before passing the toll as a result of my forgetfulness about the fact that I had a “passé facil’ installed in my car.
Minutes passed . The man outside my car waiting while I looked for my drive license .I started panic. I explained to him that my driver’s license ought to have been found anyplace there .That I hadn’t known what could be happen to the driver’s license not to be in my wallet, my hand bag, anywhere there. Maybe I had forgotten it at home without noticed it, I explained, asking him if I could ask someone ,my sister or my secretary for example, to try to bring a copy or even my document plate .I supposed it had been forgotten by me in some place at home.
Maybe trying to help me, he asked me if the person at my side was a driver, as well. Maria unfortunately isn’t a driver and wouldn’t have a driver’s license, for sure. I replied she wasn’t a driver, unfortunately. He said to me not to panic, he would see something at the office nearby and would come back right after.
Immediately I started to call everybody I thought could bring the document to me. My sister calmed me down telling me she could come to bring the document to me. Meanwhile my husband’s secretary was trying to do the same.
A few minutes later , the police came to me again. My expectancy was to get a big ticket to pay, or even some paper to have my car rescued, but not. He looked at me and said to me not to be worried that I could go, afterward he gave me back the car’s document plate. I misunderstood and asked him clearly if I could go away. He answered affirmatively without asking me for any money. He didn’t look like he would have been open to accept some easy money, maybe taking advantage of the situation .
I looked at Maria, Maria looked at me and without any extra word I thanked him and went out of there, not heading forward to the shore, though. I took then the first returning to Sao Paulo, through which I thought, would be safer once I was without my driver’s license plate and more, without my ID document plate, as well. Moreover it would be better not to be stopped by any police man again once some other person would be not so polite as that one. How irresponsible I was not to checking all my documents before going out of home, mainly as a driver, I said to myself.
Driving back home I figured it out why the police man hadn’t given me a ticket.
Why he just told me to go on with my trip, once he could take advantage of a driver, who might pay him some money on the side to be let go on with my trip. Would my drive license number be written in any document plate of mine found the time the policeman searched for the truthfulness of my car document(question mark)Maybe the police man himself was a polite man and that’s all.
Our adventure took about two hours .As a result of the long distance until we had found the returning signal on the road to go back forward to town .Furthermore, in Sao Paulo ,because of the terrible traffic that morning had store for us. Time enough to had arrived in Juquehy, our goal that day.
Arriving home I looked everywhere for my driver’s license which, for my surprise, was on my bed-room table . It popped in my mind the time I bought a wedding gift through my computer. I used my driver’s license document to get the ID and cpf number it was asked for . After all I felt myself safe and luck of not having had big troubles because of my disorder and forgetfulness.
I will not forget how polite and comprehensive this road police man was that morning for a long time . I will be grateful for the advance in computer communication we’ve been having in the World, as well, once I suppose it should have helped me this time by showing other documents plate of mine through it. Finally, I can’t forget the protection I’ve been having in my life. Maybe my guardian angel was awake and helped me that morning.
I thanked God my guardian angel was awake.
(Rosana, first of all, you need a title for your paper.)
Thank God my (guardian) gard- angel (was) has been awake. (Is this your title?)
(Although) I am not a very organized (person) people, things (vague word) are (going) doing well in my life (Rosana, I want you to go over the Common Error Mistakes handout that I gave you guys two classes ago, and see if you are making the same kinds of errors that we discussed in class). Sometimes I have been protect by angels who do it (do what?) for me, because sometimes I can’t believe how I get out of some trouble so (easily).
A couple of days ago, something happened to me that made me feel fear, (anxiety), (confusion) and (happiness) at the same time (Rosana, be careful with the idea of SHOW versus TELL. In English, you are not supposed to simply inform the reader of something that happened in your life. You have to SHOW it through details.) I need to start to tell my story about twelve months ago. (Rosana, you cannot talk to the reader like this about your writing. And also, it would be wiser idea for you to start a more chronological approach to this writing. When you start your story from the end, telling your
readers about the conclusions you can draw from the experience, American believe your writing to be weak. I think you should take a careful look at the handout on common errors and locate the ones that are part of this writing.)
Last year, we bought a beach house for our family that was still under construction in a very nice place called Juquehy, a small beach with white soft sand embraced by a couple of small mountains on the horison. I have loved this picture since the first day I went there since it reminded me (of) my childhood in Rio de Janeiro, where I was raised.
The (construction of the) house (was over) and things (again, you are using a vague word) had to be done there, like people making and assembling the kitchen and bedroom closets, for example, so I started to organize every needs for it (every needs sounds strange here) and it would be necessary (for) me to go (go where?) as fast as I could to watch how they (they who?) were working , if they were doing it the way I had asked for. (Rosana, you need to work on clarity here. Although to many Brazilians the references you are making here are more than clear, to an American, you would need to be more specific and with more details.)
It was in the middle of the Wednesday morning when the condominium caretaker called me, informing me of how the things (again, a weak word) were doing there (there where?), so I decided to go check the work there (there where?). Therefore, I asked my house secretary Maria to go with me to keep me company.
I (took) all the stuff (again, weak word) I would need to check the service made there: drawings, house plants, tape measure, things (clearing throat …) like that. I put everything together in a bag , took my wallet and went out (try a more sophisticated word like headed to Juquehy). After (having filled up the tank), Maria and I took the way to reach the road to Juquehy.
Everything was going well until (we reached) the toll. Maybe because all these thoughts (which thoughts?) popped in my mind. I (was) absent-minded for a moment resulting my doubt (what are you talking about?) seconds before I took the ‘sem parar’ line.The car (shook) a little and because of that, right after (going through) the toll, a policeman (signaled) me to stop the car.
I stopped it very confident of myself, once I was driving in a correct way and there was nothing wrong with the car. (As I lowered the car window, the police man approached my vehicle, asking me for my driver’s license.)
I started explaining (to) him I was in doubt before (going through) the toll because I had forgotten (whether I ) had (the sticker that would allow me to get through it). It was amazing how (kind a man he was at) the moment. He asked me for (my) driver’s licence. I was waiting for a rude or (bossy) person.
I said to hiim that it was’nt problem.- “I can give it to you right away’,I said. (Is this use of dialogue necessary, Rosana? I don’t know if you were in class the day we discussed the use of dialogues in writing. According to Americans, the use of dialogue weakens the paper tremendously because it becomes simply a report of what the person said instead of a creation of the text that belongs to the writer, in this case, you). And I started to look for it in my handbag. I (fumbled a bit more), again and again, and (my driver’s licence was nowhere to be found). Maria took my wallet to help me (look) for it and nothing again! (Rosana, we also talked about the use of the exclamation marks in that long handout. Take a quick look at it again
“It was supposed to be here!”. I said in panic. ’I know it was in my wallet’! Unless it has felt at home, so, I could ask someone to bring it to me if it would be possible’. (Hummmm …. dialogue, dialogue, dialogue …)
-‘Don’t worry”, he said. –‘Does the lady at your side drive…”
-“No’. I replied.
_’Don’t be panic, don’t be nervous. I wil come back soon. And go out in direction of the office guard again.
(Hummm, dialogue, dialogue, dialogue … hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm)
I continued looking for my document and calling my sister to help me bring it to me. Crazy thing to think has passing through my mind. (What are you talking about? Which crazy things?)
The police came back again (came back? But where was he during all this time?) and I said to him I was trying to call my sister.
I was waiting for a fee, for a car rescue, or something alike. (What do you mean? a ticket? And car rescue? What do you mean exactly?)
-‘Don’t worry’, he said .-‘You can go.’
(dialogue….)
(At the moment) I (didn’t understand) and continued to be seated in the car.
A few minutes later, he returned near my door saying.-I told you, don’t worry ,you can go! ‘ and gave me back my car license that he had gotten to check at the computer, I think. (dialogue)
(Why do you think he just told you to go? That is not standard practice here in Brazil. Do you think that your license plate what anything to do with it? Or the name on the registration papers? Why would a policeman who does not earn much at the end of the month not take advantage of a driver who can clearly pay him some money on the side to be let go on with his or her trip?)
I looked at Maria. Maria looked at me without saying a word.
I apologize and thanked the police man. We go out of there, but instead of going to Juquehy I decided to come back to Sao Paulo. It would be safer. (Why did you think so?)
Our adventure (took) about two hours because of the long distance returning point (running point?)and because of the terrible traffic that morning had (in store for us). Time enough to reach the place we first intended to go! (I am lost here. Which place?)
Driving back home I started to figure it out why, besides being a very polite police man, (he hadn’t given me a ticket). It might (have been) because of the facility of the computers nowadays. (What do you mean, though? Why would the ease of a computer have made a difference?)
Maybe the time he checked my name and car license, my driver’s license number showed up … (And what difference would it have made?) Maybe the man himself is polite and that’s all. Yeah, maybe
Or maybe my (guardian) angel was awake and helped me. (Yeah, maybe
Rosana, I think your paper would cause my impact if you ended it here with the guardian angel idea since it goes back to your introduction where you mentioned guardian angels as well.)
Rosana,
Although the story is quite simple, I really enjoyed reading it. What I think you should do is to go back to the comments I have made and rewrite the portions where you are making mistakes that were dealt with in class about what NOT to write on your papers
See you in class,
Rick
Although I am not a very organized person, life has been treating me really well. I’ve been working with what I like. I am a good worker, mother and wife. I have a husband and daughters who love and respect me a lot. I consider myself a happy human being with some flaws and qualities like any ordinary person.
However, part of my personality is to be (two verbs to be in one sentence!!!) innatentive. I am using to being so since I was a child (three verbs to be in one sentence!). It’s not difficult for me to forget a personal accessory in the theater or go to a play at a wrong time, changing the schedule of my own willing (what do you mean?) without noticing it.
A couple of days ago I went through an experience of fear,anxiety and confusion at the same time.(To make my experience more understandable I need to go back in time a little. Rosana, in English, you cannot talk to the reader directly like this.)
Rosana, I will stop my feedback here because it seems like you have not taken a look at my previous feedback. Many of the sentences have remained unchanged and I feel like I am giving you the same feedback over again.
ok.I started to rewrite slowly that time.A few paragrafs each time.I will give you complete until Sunday,as you told us last class.
Tell=to inform.
Rosana,
I am sorry I did not give you feedback this weekend. I was working on an Alumni’s project and it was impossible for me to spare extra time to devote to W2
I am in class right now and while your classmates are working on their argumentative paper, I am giving you feedback. I will not be able to finish the entire paper now because they need my help. But I will post it anyway, even if it is not ready. And then, I will giving you feedback as time allows between today and this Friday. I hope you are having fun on your trip.
Thank God My Guardian Angel Was Awake
(Your title should not be a sentence with a period at the end. And all of your words should be capitalized like I did.)
Although I am not a very organized person, life has treated me really well. I‘ve been working (with) in what I like. I have a husband and daughters who love me and respect me a lot. I have qualities and flaws like any ordinary person. Despite being inattentive sometimes, I (feel) fell as if someone draws unexpectedly me out of a trouble I can be involved in. (What do you mean with this last sentence?)
A couple of days ago, I went through an experience of fear, anxiety and relief at the same time. My husband and I bought family beach house (which was under construction at the time). As the construction was over, I hired (contracted) a carpenter, an electrician, a painter, a gardener to leave the house according to the experience I have had, working as interior decorator.
It was in the middle of Wednesday morning when the condominium caretaker called me. He wanted to inform (me) that the bedroom and kitchen closets were almost ready and if it would be possible to me to check the work done. Therefore, I decided to go to Juquehy right after I (hung up the phone). I asked my house secretary Maria to (keep me company) go with me as a companion, once I would not like to drive alone on a road.
I took all (the) important material to check the work done there – some drawings I had made, a tape measure and pencils. I put everything together in a bag, took my wallet and (headed to Juquehy). After having filled up the tank, Maria and I headed toward the road.
We were having a (pleasant) trip until we reached the toll. Maybe I (must) should have been absent-minded for a moment seconds before I took the “sem parar” line. The car shook a little and because of it, right after going through the toll, a road-policeman signaled me to stop the car. I stopped it very confident of myself, once I was driving (properly) and there was nothing wrong with the car as well.
As I lowered the car window, the policeman approached my vehicle, asking me for my car’s license and my driver’s license as well. Meanwhile, (as) I was looking for my driver’s license, I explained (to) him I was in doubt (about what?)before (going through) passing the toll as a result of my forgetfulness about the fact that I had a “passe facil’ installed in my car. (I am a bit confused here, Rosana.)
Minutes (had gone by) passed . The man outside my car (waited) waiting while I looked for my driver’s license. I started (to) panic. I explained to him that my driver’s license ought to have been found any place (in my purse and that) I didn’t know what could (have happened for my) driver’s license not to (have been) in my wallet, in my hand bag, or anywhere within my reach. (I told him that maybe) I had (left) it at home without (having) noticed it. I asked him if I could ask someone, my sister or my secretary for example, to try to bring a copy or even my document (to him).
Maybe (in his attempt to try) to help me, he asked me if the person at my side was a driver, as well. Unfortunately, Maria isn’t a driver and (for this reason) wouldn’t have a driver’s license, for sure. (When I informed him that she did not know how to drive,) he (told me) not to panic (as) he would (check out) see (some information) something at the office nearby and would (come right back).
Immediately, I started to call everybody I thought could bring the document to me. My sister calmed me down, telling me (that) she could come (over) to bring (me) the document. Meanwhile, my husband’s secretary was trying to do the same. A few minutes later , the police (officer approached) me again. My (expectation) expectancy was to get a big ticket to pay, or even some paper to have my car (towed)rescued, but (I was wrong). He looked at me and (told me) not to be worried (and) that I could go(. Afterwards,) he gave me back the car documents. I misunderstood (what did you misunderstand?) and asked him clearly if I could (move on with my trip) could go away. He (nodded at me) without asking me for any money. He didn’t look like he would have been open to accepting some easy money, taking advantage of the situation.
I looked at Maria, Maria looked at me and without any extra word, I thanked him and (got) out of there, (but) not heading (towards) forward to the shore, though. I took the first (U-turn back to) Sao Paulo, which I thought, would be safer once I was without my driver’s license and my ID as well. Moreover, it would be better not to be stopped by any (other) police man again once some other person would be not so polite as that one. How irresponsible I was not to (have checked) checking all my documents before (leaving) going out of home, mainly as a driver, I said to myself.
Driving back home, I figured out why the police man hadn’t given me a ticket (and why) he (had) just told me to go on with my trip (instead of taknig) advantage of a driver, who might pay him some money on the side to be let go on with my trip. My driver’s license number (could have been written) in any document plate of mine found (at) the time the policeman searched for the reliability of my car document. Or maybe the policeman himself was a polite man and that’s all.
Our adventure took about two hours (because of) the long distance (we had driven until we were able to find the U-turn sign on the road to go back forward to town, and also because of the terrible traffic that morning in São Paulo had store for us, which was time enough to (have) arrived in Juquehy, our goal that day.
Arriving home I looked everywhere for my driver’s license, which, (to)for my surprise, was (lying) on my bedroom table . The time I (had)bought a wedding gift (from) through my computer (just popped into my mind at that moment). I (had) used my driver’s license to get the ID and (social security) CPF number (in it) . After all, I felt safe and lucky (for) not having (faced) had big trouble because of my (disorganization)disorder and forgetfulness.
I will not forget how polite and (understanding) comprehensive (that) this road police man was that morning for a long time. I will be grateful for the (advancement) advance in computer communication we’ve been having in the world once I suppose it (must) should have helped me this time (around) by showing other documents of mine through it. Finally, I can’t forget the protection I’ve been having in my life. Maybe my guardian angel was awake and helped me that morning. And I thanked God (for it).
Rosana,
Your story is told in full details
I am happy you have gotten the idea of the importance of including more details into your piece. Now, I will not assign you a grade yet, because I believe you need to work on your language a bit. As we have discussed in class, students at this level tend to overuse the verb “to be” and the conjunctions “and” and “but”. I would like you to go back to your text and work on language sophistication now. And then, I will assign you a grade for the “final” version of this paper, OK?
I hope you are having a great trip.
Rick