Not Passing The College Entrance Examination by Camilla
May 6, 2008Many times in these last years of my life, I couldn’t help but think of the day when my face would be all smeared, all my clothes soiled and my face with a huge smile of happiness stamped in my mouth and eyes because of my acceptance at a university, probably a common dream among most teenagers my age.
As I studied at Vértice, a very strict school where everyone is always compared to the best students, every class, work or test always focused on the acceptance at a prominent college. Because of the pressure of school, I have also understood my future success based on the positive results of USP college entrance examination test: Fuvest.
I have always had nurtured this special interest for the University of São Paulo, first, because of the influence of my school, which claims USP the best university, and and one we should focus since we became a freshman in high school. Second, the Architecture College at USP gives a different focus than the one from Mackenzie, the other respectable college in São Paulo, because its course embraces more branches of architecture, while Mackenzie’s zeroes in more on construction projects. Third, I do care for the name; after all, USP is hailed as the most well-known university of our country, and having certificate from it would make a big difference in the market. Studying there would bring me several benefits such as the fact that I would pay no monthly fees or tuition since it is a public university, and I would also remain close to my boyfriend, who studies Chemistry there, so we could see each other anytime we want to.
Unfortunately, I have been accepted in all the colleges that I had applied for, with the exception of USP. After crying a lot because of the feeling of a whole year thrown in the trash can, I had to decide to do this year: to go to another college like Mackenzie, or take a preparatory course in order to apply at USP again. Most of my friends who haven’t been accepted at USP decided to go to another university even if the course did not reflect exactly what they wanted, just because of the feeling of a university life that includes freedom and lots of parties.
Despite the fact that Mackenzie is an awesome and remarkable university, I decided not to seize the opportunity of starting the course there. I have chosen the responsibility of studying to get into USP, facing all the stress just to study at the best university. Maybe the thoughts in my head had never blurred me so much before. For the first time, I had to make an important decision only by myself.
The pressure overwhelmed me due to the enormous importance that this choice would make in my life. First, I thought that taking a preparatory course would be shameful and that people would laugh at me. Also, Vértice demands quite a lot on its students, unloading the obligation to doing well at FUVEST on me. Then, I realized that I should not care about other people’s view on my life. Therefore, my idea evolved around starting Mackenzie, but taking a leave at the course to apply myself to USP throughout the second semester, but maybe only six months of preparation would not suffice. I even had the absurd thought of doing college and the preparatory course at the same time, but at the end, I had to just choose one and focus on it.
The bottom line is that I am only taking the preparatory course and enjoying it very much. The classes are more relaxing and there is freedom and independence, which I have never had before. This decision has stiffened my personality. I have become more mature and now I have more time to focus on what I really want. I have learned that everyone have to try to reach his target no matter what he will have to do to achieve it, not worrying about other people may think about it. As a 17-year-old girl, the hurry to be in college should not turn a girl’s number one priority in life because the possibility of making this dream come true exists in the near future. So now, I have the peace of mind to understand what I really want to do, to become more mature and to enhance the flaws that didn’t let me get into USP the first time around.
rick042570
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Many times in the last years of my life (THE CONSTRUCTION OF THE PERIOD IS A BIT STRANGE) I used to think about the day when my face would be painted (HOW IT WOULD BE PAINTED?), all my clothes dirty and a huge happiness on my mouth and eyes, the first day of college. I believe this is a common dream between me and the most of teenagers in my age. As I studied at Vértice, a very strict school, where everyone was always compared to the best students and everything was focused on college, I created a huge desire of entering on a college.(COLLEGE AGAIN, TRY TO FIND A SINONIME)
I have to confess that I have always had an especial interest for University of São Paulo, USP, because of many reasons. First the influence of my school that used to say that USP is the best and that we should enter on this university since we were on freshman in high school. Then, the Architecture College of USP course gives a different focus from Mackenzie, the other good college in São Paulo. In addition if I say that I don’t care about the name I would be lying because it is the most well-known university of our country and to have(HAVING) its certificate makes a big difference in the market. Studying there would be very favorable to me because besides being a public university, so I wouldn’t have to pay, I would be close to my boyfriend, who studies there.(YOU CAN SAY THAT YOU WOULD SEE EACH OTHER ETC. EXPLORE A BIT THE FACT THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND STUDIES THERE)
Unfortunately, I have entered on all the colleges that I tried, with the exception of USP. After crying a lot because of the feeling of a whole year thrown at the trash, I had to resolve what I was going to do this year, go to other college, like Mackenzie, or do a preparatory course in order to enter in USP. Most of my friends that haven’t entered in USP decided to go to another college even if it isn’t so good, just because the feeling of a university life. I was very confused because Mackenzie is a awesome and beautiful college and I had this big opportunity to enter there, get rid of the responsibility of studying to enter on a university and have a dream coming true against passing through all the stress again just to study on the best.
My parents haven’t wanted to influence on my decision (BECAUSE?), and for the first time in my life I had to make an important decision only by myself.(HOW WAS IT? DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS AT THAT TIME, WERE YOU CONFUSED?SAD?PRESSURED?) Firstly, I thought that doing a preparatory course would be shameful and people would laugh at me. Then, my idea was enter on Mackenzie, do only 6 months, take a leave the course and do the other 6 months of preparatory course, but I gave up( WHY DID YOU GAVE UP?). I even thought about doing college and the preparatory course at the same time, but I realized that it wouldn’t work.
The result is that I am doing only the preparatory course and I am enjoying very much, I love the classes and the independence that I have there.(EXPLAIN THE INDEPENDENCE YOU HAVE !! WHAT DO YOU DO? WHY DO YOU FEEL SO INDEPENDENT?) I feel that this decision changed my life in many different ways. I become more mature and now I have more time to focus myself on what I really want(WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?). I learned that I have to try to reach my target no matter what I will have to do to achieve it, and not worrying about other people may think about me. As I’m a 17 girl, I don’t have to hurry up to enter on college because I will be able to do it calmly. So now I have time to have more sure of what course I want to do, to become more mature and to dedicate myself on the lack that didn’t let me entering on USP.
Christiano
Many times in the last years of my life I used to think about the day when my face would be painted, all my clothes dirty and a huge happiness on my mouth and eyes (why your clothes will be dirty? it will be better if you explain in a clearer way to an american reader what wil happen), the first day of college. I believe this is a common dream between me and the most of teenagers in my age (this structure sounds strange to me). As I studied at Vértice, a very strict school (why?), where everyone was always compared to the best students and everything was focused on college (how? give examples on both cases), I created a huge desire of entering on a college.
I have to confess that I have always had an especial interest for University of São Paulo, USP, because of many reasons. First the influence of my school that used to say that USP is the best and that we should enter on this university since we were on freshman in high school (try to use less the word that in this sentence). Then, the Architecture College of USP course gives a different focus from Mackenzie (how different? remember, examples are always necessaries in English), the other good college in São Paulo. In addition if I say that I don’t care about the name I would be lying because it is the most well-known university of our country and to have its certificate makes a big difference in the market. Studying there would be very favorable to me because besides being a public university, so I wouldn’t have to pay, I would be close to my boyfriend, who studies there.
Unfortunately, I have entered on all the colleges that I tried, with the exception of USP . After crying a lot because of the feeling of a whole year thrown at the trash, I had to resolve what I was going to do this year, go to other college, like Mackenzie, or do a preparatory course (like what?) in order to enter in USP. Most of my friends ( how many? 5 or 15? if you give the aproximated number, reader will understand better) that haven’t entered in USP decided to go to another college even if it isn’t so good, just because the feeling of a university life (How is this feeling?). I was very confused because Mackenzie is a awesome and beautiful college (awesone and beautiful are choppy words. You can find better words)and I had this big opportunity to enter there, get rid of the responsibility of studying to enter on a university and have a dream coming true against passing through all the stress again just to study on the best.
My parents haven’t wanted to influence on my decision, and for the first time in my life I had to make an important decision only by myself. Firstly, I thought that doing a preparatory course would be shameful and people would laugh at me (why?). Then, my idea was enter on Mackenzie, do only 6 months, leave the course and do the other 6 months of preparatory course, but I gave up (why?). I even thought about doing college and the preparatory course at the same time, but I realized that it wouldn’t work.
The result is that I am doing only the preparatory course and I am enjoying very much, I love the classes and the independence that I have there. I feel that this decision changed my life in many different ways. I become more mature and now I have more time to focus myself on what I really want. I learned that I have to try to reach my target no matter what I will have to do to achieve it and not worrying about other people may think about me. As I’m a 17 girl, I don’t have to hurry up to enter on college because I will be able to do it calmly. So now I have time to have more sure of what course I want to do, to become more mature and to dedicate myself on the lack that didn’t let me entering on USP (I don’t understand this last sentence, is not clear).
Camilla, your text is good but I believe that you have to give more details and explanations in some points of view. Remember, an american reader demands many details to understand your points, you have to show him your feelings.
Juliana
Many times in the last years of my life (last year of my life sounds strange, try to use another expression) I used to think about the day when my face would be painted, all my clothes dirty and a huge happiness on my mouth and eyes, the first day of college. I believe this is a common dream between me and the most of teenagers in my age(and most of the teenagers). As I studied at Vértice, a very strict school, where everyone was always compared to the best students and everything was focused on college, I created a huge desire of entering on (I think is enter in) a college.
I have to confess that I have always had an especial interest for University of São Paulo, USP, because of many reasons. First the influence of my school that used to say that USP is the best and that we should enter on this university since we were on freshman (in the last year of high school?) in high school. Then, the Architecture College of USP course gives a different focus from Mackenzie, the other good college in São Paulo. In addition if I say that I don’t care about the name I would be lying because it is the most well-known university of our country and to have its certificate makes a big difference in the market. Studying there would be very favorable to me because besides being a public university, so I wouldn’t have to pay, I would be close to my boyfriend, who studies there (what does he do?).
Unfortunately, I have entered on all the colleges that I tried, with the exception of USP. After crying a lot because of the feeling of a whole year thrown at the trash, I had to resolve what I was going to do this year, go to other college, like Mackenzie, or do a preparatory course in order to enter in USP. Most of my friends that haven’t entered in USP decided to go to another college even if it isn’t so good, just because the feeling of a university life (try to describe this feeling). I was very confused because Mackenzie is a (an) awesome and beautiful college and I had this big opportunity to enter there, get rid of the responsibility of studying to enter on a university and have a dream coming true against passing through all the stress again just to study on the best.
My parents haven’t wanted(didn’t want) to influence on my decision, and for the first time in my life I had to make an important decision only by myself. Firstly, I thought that doing a preparatory course would be shameful(why would it be shameful?) and people would laugh at me. Then, my idea was enter on Mackenzie, do(to) only 6 months, take a leave the course and do the other 6 months of preparatory course, but I gave up. I even thought about doing college and the preparatory course at the same time, but I realized that it wouldn’t work(try to explain why it wouldn’t work =).
The result is that I am doing only the preparatory course and I am enjoying very much(I enjoy it a lot), I love the classes and the independence that I have there. I feel that this decision changed my life in many different ways. I become more mature and now I have more time to focus myself on what I really want. I learned that I have to try to reach my target no matter what I will have to do to achieve it, and not worrying about(worrying about what other) other people may think about me. As I’m a 17 girl, I don’t have to hurry up to enter on college because I will be able to do it calmly. So now I have time to have more sure of (have more sure its a little bit strange try other verb) what course I want to do, to become more mature and to dedicate myself on the lack that didn’t let me entering on USP.
Not Passing The College Entrance Examination
by Camilla
May 6, 2008
Many times in (these) the last years of my life, I (couldn’t help but) think (of) the day when my face would be (all smeered), all my clothes (soiled) and my face with a huge (smile of) happiness (in) my mouth and eyes(:) (my) the first day (in) of college. Probably this is a common dream (among) most teenagers my age. As I studied at Vértice, a very strict school where everyone (is) always compared to the best students (in) every class, work or test was focused on college (Hummmm, Camila, I am getting lost in these sentence. Maybe you are trying to cover a lot in just one long sentence. Maybe breaking it into two would be more appropriate.) I (have developed) created a huge (this inner) desire of (being accepted at) entering in a (prominent) good university.
I have always had (nurtured) (this special) interest for (the) University of São Paulo because of many reasons (hummmm … In English, you should not MENTION that you have reasons, but you should provide the reasons right away. Don’t tell me you have reasons. SHOW ME THE REASONS). First, (there is) the influence of my school, which (claimed / harolded USP the best university) used to say that USP is the best and that we should (focus on) enter this university since we (became a) freshman in high school (Camila, as I have already mentioned in class, you should focus on more sophisticated language throughout your paper).
Then, the Architecture College (at) USP gives a different focus (than the one0 from Mackenzie, the other (respectable?) good college in São Paulo, because its course embraces more branches of architecture, while Mackenzie’s emphasizes more on projects (involving) construction. Also, I do care about the name; after all, it is the most well-known university of our country and having certificate (from it) would make a big difference in the market. Studying there would be very favorable to (my career) me because besides being a public university, which is free, I would be close to my boyfriend, who studies Chemistry there and we could see each other anytime we want (to).
Unfortunately, I have (been accepted in) all the colleges that I (had applied for), with the exception of USP. After crying a lot because of the feeling of a whole year thrown (in) the trash, I had to (decide) resolve what I was going to do this year: go to (another college), like Mackenzie, or (to take) do a preparatory course in order to (apply at) USP (again). Most of my friends (who) that haven’t (been accepted at)entered in USP decided to go to another (university) college even if it isn’t so good (again, you are using the verb to be and the word good
, just because the feeling of a university life that includes freedom and lots of parties. Maybe I have (or had) never been so confused. Mackenzie is an awesome and beautiful (university) college and I had this big opportunity to enter there (Hummm .. this sentence sounds a bit too Brazilian), get rid of the responsibility of studying to enter on a university and have a dream come true, (Camila, I am a bit lost here. What is the main idea that you are trying to get across?) against (going)passing through all the stress again just to study (at) on the best one.
(What is the conclusion that you came up with then? It is still a bit too confusing to me.)
My parents (ddin’t want) haven’t wanted to influence on my decision because this is about my future and I should know what is better for me, (Hummmm, you are shifting tenses here and you have brought this discussion to the present. Although it is not necessarily wrong for you to do so, it is considered quite weak and confusing in English.)
For the first time in my life, I had to make an important decision only by myself. I felt (under) pressure due to the enormous importance that this choice would be (in) for my life. (First), I thought that (taking) doing a preparatory course would be shameful and (that) people would laugh at me because as I had studied at a very good school, (and hence, had the obligation to have been accepted at) I should have entered on the university. Then I realized that this was not true (what made you realize that?) and my idea was enter on Mackenzie, do only six months, take a leave at the course and do the other 6 months of preparatory course (hummmmmmmmmmmmmm, again, your language is a bit too basic here), but I gave up (on the idea) because maybe only six months of preparation would not be enough. I even thought about doing college and the preparatory course at the same time, but I think I had to focus on just (on just what?)
The result is that I am only (taking) the preparatory course and I am enjoying (it) very much. I love the classes and the independence that I have there. I feel that this decision (has) changed my life in many different ways. I (have) become more mature and now I have more time to focus on what I really want. I (have) learned that I have to try to reach my target no matter what I will have to do to achieve it, and not worrying about other people may think about me (Camila, be careful with the overuse of the connect AND. It weakens your paper). As I’m a (17-year-old) girl, I don’t have to hurry to be in (Camila, ENTER college is wrong in English) college because I will be able to do it calmly. So now, I have time to (make sure of) have more sure of (which) what course I want to do, to become more mature and to dedicate (by) myself on the lack (??? What do you mean?) that didn’t let me (get into) USP. (What are you taking about?)
Camila,
Overall, your paper is quite solid. You have dealt with an event that many teens go through. Besides answering the questions I have posed to you, I believe you should focus on language sophistication. In story telling, Camiila, many times, it is not the content that counts, but HOW the reader decides to tell their account. What you need to do is to retell your story using more sophisticated language so that the reader feels that it is not just one more story about a girl who failed to get into USP
Have a great weekend working on it
Rick
Many times in these last years of my life, I couldn’t help but think of the day when my face would be all smeared, all my clothes soiled and a huge smile of happiness stamped in my mouth because of my acceptance at USP, probably a common dream among most teenagers my age.
As I studied at Vértice, a very strict school where everyone is always compared to the best students, every class, work or tests always focused on the acceptance at a prominent college. Because of the pressure of school, I have also understood my future success based on the positive results of USP college entrance examination test: Fuvest.
I have always had nurtured this special interest for the University of São Paulo. First, there is the influence of my school, which claimed USP the best university and that we should focus on this university since we became a freshman in high school. Then, the Architecture College at USP gives a different focus than the one from Mackenzie, the other respectable college in São Paulo, because its course embraces more branches of architecture, while Mackenzie’s emphasizes more on construction projects. Also, I do care about the name; after all, it is the most well-known university of our country and having certificate from it would make a big difference in the market. Studying there would be very favorable to my life because besides being a public university, which is free, I would be close to my boyfriend, who studies Chemistry there and we could see each other anytime we want to.
Unfortunately, I have been accepted in all the colleges that I had applied for, with the exception of USP. After crying a lot because of the feeling of a whole year thrown in the trash, I had to decide what I was going to do this year: go to another college, like Mackenzie, or take a preparatory course in order to apply at USP again. Most of my friends who haven’t been accepted at USP decided to go to another university even if it isn’t exactly what they wanted, just because the feeling of a university life that includes freedom and lots of parties.
Mackenzie is an awesome and remarkable university and I could seize the opportunity of starting the course and getting rid of the responsibility of studying to enter on USP, against going through all the stress again just to study at on the best one. Maybe I had never been so confused. For the first time in my life, I had to make an important decision only by myself.
I felt under pressure due to the enormous importance that this choice would be in my life. First, I thought that taking a preparatory course would be shameful and that people would laugh at me, hence I had studied at a tough school, I had the obligation to have been accepted at USP. Then I realized that nobody had to do with my life and I should not care about other ones view of my life. So, my idea was start Mackenzie, but take a leave at the course and apply on the myself to USP throughout the second semester, but maybe only six months of preparation would not be enough. I even thought about doing college and the preparatory course at the same time, but I think I had to just choose one and focus on it.
The bottom line is that I am only taking and enjoying very much the preparatory course. The classes are relaxing and there are freedom and independence, which I have never had before. This decision has stiffened my personality. I have become more mature and I have more time to focus on what I really want. I have learned that everyone have to try to reach his target no matter what he will have to do to achieve it, and not worrying about other people may think about it.. As I’m a 17-year-old girl, I don’t have to hurry to be in college because there is time to do it calmly. So now, my mind is in peace to make sure of which course I want to do, to become more mature and to enhance the faults that didn’t let me get into USP.
Many times in these last years of my life, I couldn’t help but think of the day when my face would be all smeared, all my clothes soiled and my face with a huge smile of happiness stamped in my mouth and eyes because of my acceptance at a university, probably a common dream among most teenagers my age.
As I studied at Vértice, a very strict school where everyone is always compared to the best students, every class, work or test always focused on the acceptance at a prominent college. Because of the pressure of school, I have also understood my future success based on the positive results of USP college entrance examination test: Fuvest.
I have always had nurtured this special interest for the University of São Paulo, first, because of the influence of my school, which claims USP the best university, and and one we should focus since we became a freshman in high school. Second, the Architecture College at USP gives a different focus than the one from Mackenzie, the other respectable college in São Paulo, because its course embraces more branches of architecture, while Mackenzie’s zeroes in more on construction projects. Third, I do care for the name; after all, USP is hailed as the most well-known university of our country, and having certificate from it would make a big difference in the market. Studying there would bring me several benefits such as the fact that I would pay no monthly fees or tuition since it is a public university, and I would also remain close to my boyfriend, who studies Chemistry there, so we could see each other anytime we want to.
Unfortunately, I have been accepted in all the colleges that I had applied for, with the exception of USP. After crying a lot because of the feeling of a whole year thrown in the trash can, I had to decide to do this year: to go to another college like Mackenzie, or take a preparatory course in order to apply at USP again. Most of my friends who haven’t been accepted at USP decided to go to another university even if the course did not reflect exactly what they wanted, just because of the feeling of a university life that includes freedom and lots of parties.
Despite the fact that Mackenzie is an awesome and remarkable university, I decided not to seize the opportunity of starting the course there. I have chosen the responsibility of studying to get into USP, facing all the stress just to study at the best university. Maybe the thoughts in my head had never blurred me so much before. For the first time, I had to make an important decision only by myself.
The pressure overwhelmed me due to the enormous importance that this choice would make in my life. First, I thought that taking a preparatory course would be shameful and that people would laugh at me. Also, Vértice demands quite a lot on its students, unloading the obligation to doing well at FUVEST on me. Then, I realized that I should not care about other people’s view on my life. Therefore, my idea evolved around starting Mackenzie, but taking a leave at the course to apply myself to USP throughout the second semester, but maybe only six months of preparation would not suffice. I even had the absurd thought of doing college and the preparatory course at the same time, but at the end, I had to just choose one and focus on it.
The bottom line is that I am only taking the preparatory course and enjoying it very much. The classes are more relaxing and there is freedom and independence, which I have never had before. This decision has stiffened my personality. I have become more mature and now I have more time to focus on what I really want. I have learned that everyone have to try to reach his target no matter what he will have to do to achieve it, not worrying about other people may think about it. As a 17-year-old girl, the hurry to be in college should not turn a girl’s number one priority in life because the possibility of making this dream come true exists in the near future. So now, I have the peace of mind to understand what I really want to do, to become more mature and to enhance the flaws that didn’t let me get into USP the first time around.
Hi Camila,
What a difference from your first draft to this one
Here would be your grade if you decided your turn in this paper as part of your portfolio.
1. Content: 5 / 5
You explained your pain of not being accepted at USP in very rich details to the point of satisfying even the pickiest American reader
2. Structure: 5 / 5
Your paper is very clear as far as the chronological sequence of events is concerned. Your reader does not get lost in your story as it is very well told.
3. Vocabulary: 5 / 5
Your vocabulary is quite rich, making your paper sound as if it had been written by an advanced student of English — which is your case. Also, many of the more difficult words you have chosen for your piece were used correctly. Many times students bombard the paper with fancy vocabulary where most of the words are used wrong — which is not your case.
4. Grammar: 4 / 5
With the exception of your third paragraph, the rest of your paper is almost free of grammar errors. I think you forgot to reread your third paragraph because the grammar errors there are very silly.
5. Mechanics: 4 /5
You seem to have a problem with the usage of comma. Maybe it would be a great review for you to take a look at the Appendix in the Writing 1 folder (if you still have it) and review the use of the commas after transition words. You have made this mistake throughout the paper.
Overall grade: 23 /25