Here I Am by Eliana

There I stood still, in the delivery room, after six years trying to get pregnant, after having faced two abortions in between, just waiting for  my son to be born. I had chosen the name Samuel since the doctor had disclosed to me the gender of my baby. Samuel joinded this world on a Friday, September 13,1996, the happiest day of my life.

 At that time, it had never occurred me that having a baby would change my life so much as it did. At first I only thought that my days would be a bed of roses, but life had proved wrong one more time. After Samuel was born I fell in depression, throwing me into a world of a huge sadness and loneliness, I used to woke up late at night to feed him, feeling tired and starting to cry. During the day I also had the feeling that taking care of my new born baby would turn into be an impossible task for me to carry on, even thinking that I had made the wrong decision to have a baby, because I felt so unhappy about being a mom. Eventhough I simply was deeply in love with my son I couldn’t enjoy that precious moment of my life because my husband couldn’t undertand that I was fragile, and besides he became jealous about the time I spend with my baby. It turned out into a huge problem because he didn’t help me when more I needed, I felt abandoned and frustraded. 

Fortunately I had my mother’s help, as a support system, showing me how I had to manage my life with her own experience about being a mom, for about two weeks she slept over my house, taking care of me, giving some hints of nursering and helping when I didin1t know what to do when the baby cried. Her help and love were very important for me at that time of turbulence.

 For a long time there was no more me, Samuel took the centre of our lives and sometimes I felt that I would never have time for me anymore, but the time went by as my depression and I could finally felt happy again, enjoying the fact that being a mom was a Good bleessing. Nothing can be compared to this experience, If I had to do it all again, I would.

Thank God My Guardian Angel Was Awake

  Thank God, my guardian angel was awake.

 

Although I am not a very organized person, life has treated me really well. I‘ve been working in what I like. I have a husband and daughters who love me and respect me a lot. I have qualities and flaws like any ordinary person. Despite being inattentive sometimes, I fell as if someone draws unexpectedly me out of a trouble I can be involved in.

 

 

A couple of days ago I went through an experience of fear, anxiety and relief at the same time. My husband and I bought an under construction family beach house. As

the construction  was over I contracted some workers-a cabinet-maker for the assembling of bed rooms and kitchen’s closets, an electrician, a wall painter, a gardener-to let the house like I had drawn ,once I work as interior decorator .

 

 

It was in the middle of Wednesday morning when the condominium caretaker called me. He wanted to inform that the bedroom and kitchen’s closets were almost ready and if it would be possible to me to go there to check the work done. Therefore, I decided to go to Juquehy right after I turned the telephone off. I asked my nice house secretary Maria to go with me as a companion, once I would not like to drive alone on a road.

 

 

I took all important material  to check the work it was done there- some drawings I had made, a tape measure, pencils etc. I put everything together in a bag , took my wallet and. After having filled up the tank, Maria and I headed toward the road.

 

 

We were having a nice trip until we reached the toll. Maybe I should have been absent-minded for a moment resulting my doubt seconds before I took the “sem parar” line. The car shook a little and because of that action , right after going through the toll, a road-policeman signaled me to stop the car. I stopped it very confident of myself, once I was driving in a correct way ant there was nothing wrong with the car, as well.

 

 

As I lowered the car window, the policeman approached my vehicle, asking me for my car’s license and right after for my driver’s license plate, as well. Meanwhile I was looking for my driver’s license I explained him I was in doubt  before passing the toll as a result of my forgetfulness about the fact that I had a “passé facil’  installed in my car.

 

 

Minutes passed . The man outside my car waiting while I looked for my drive license .I started panic. I explained to him that my driver’s license ought to have been found anyplace there .That I hadn’t known what could be happen to the driver’s license not to be in my wallet, my hand bag, anywhere there. Maybe I had forgotten it at home without noticed it, I explained,  asking him if I could ask someone ,my sister or my secretary for example, to try to bring a copy or even my document  plate .I supposed it had been forgotten by me  in some place at home.

   Maybe trying to help me, he asked me if the person at my side was a driver, as well. Maria unfortunately isn’t a driver and wouldn’t have a driver’s license, for sure. I replied she wasn’t a driver, unfortunately. He said to me not to panic, he would see something at the office nearby and would come back right after.

  

   Immediately I started to call everybody I thought could bring the document to me. My sister calmed me down telling me she could come  to bring the document to me. Meanwhile my husband’s secretary was trying to do the same.

 

    A few minutes later , the police came to me again. My expectancy was to get a big ticket to pay, or even some paper to have my car rescued, but not. He looked at me and said to me not to be worried that I could go, afterward he gave me back the car’s document plate. I misunderstood and asked him clearly if I could go away. He answered   affirmatively without asking me for any money. He didn’t look like he would have been open to accept some easy money, maybe taking advantage of the situation .

 

   I looked at Maria, Maria looked at me and without any extra word I thanked him and went out of there, not heading forward to the shore, though. I took then the first returning to Sao Paulo, through which I thought, would be safer once I was without my driver’s license plate and more, without my ID document plate, as well. Moreover it  would  be better not to be stopped by any police man again once some other person would be not so polite as that one. How irresponsible I was not to checking all my documents before going out of home, mainly as a driver, I said to myself.

 

    Driving back home I figured it out why the police man hadn’t given me a ticket.

Why he just told me to go on with my trip, once he could take advantage of a driver, who might pay him some money on the side to be let go on with my trip.  Would my drive license number be written in any document plate of mine found  the time the policeman searched for the truthfulness of my car document(question mark)Maybe the police man himself was a polite man and that’s all.

 

    Our adventure took about two hours .As a result  of the long distance until we had found the returning  signal on the road  to go back forward to town .Furthermore, in Sao Paulo  ,because of the terrible traffic that morning  had store for us. Time enough to had arrived in Juquehy, our  goal that day.

 

    Arriving home I looked everywhere for my driver’s license which, for my surprise, was  on my bed-room table . It popped in my mind the time I bought a wedding gift through my computer.  I used my driver’s license document to get the ID and cpf number it was asked for . After all I felt myself  safe and luck of not having had big troubles because of my disorder and forgetfulness.  

 

    I will not forget how polite and comprehensive this road police man was that morning  for a long time .  I will be grateful for the advance in computer communication we’ve been having in the World, as well, once I suppose it should have helped me this time by showing other documents plate of mine through it. Finally, I can’t forget the protection I’ve been having in my life. Maybe my guardian angel was awake and helped me that morning.

    I thanked God my guardian angel was awake.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soon is better than never by Christiano

In march 1996, I decided to leave Santos, which is my hometown, moving to Sao Paulo to start a Business Administration Course. At 17, I left my parents house to move to a different city, to leave alone. A city like Sao Paulo is a hard place to live in when you are a teenager, living alone, having bills to pay and tests to take at the University. You have no closer friends, no family…

 At some point in the end of 1996, maybe October, I decided to quit the College to go back to Santos. I couldn’t stand living without my parents having no one to share my problems, the bulk of nights without sleeping due to a lot of worries about how my parents will react if I regret. Talking to a friend, he recommended me a therapist. I never had been in therapy, but at that point I had nothing to lose.

I remember my first appointment with James, the therapist. A middle-age man, single by option, who had been living alone to have more time to help people. I remember the hot coffee we drunk during the session, the cigarretes smoked, all the themes that were hauting me and my decision to change my life by returning to Santos. That first session, which last 5 hours, had not been sufficient. I returned every week, twice times a week for 10 years. I found in James a friend that I didn’t have in Sao Paulo. All the times that I was about to give up: on college, on a girlfriend or work, or I had a fight with my parents, problems in my relationships, he had the power to handle everything. He knew me like no one else how to make me feel better, to make me feel calm.

 The bulk of the problems that I had in my beginning years in Sao Paulo and the obstacles that I’ve been facing for these years I never told to my parents. James always told me to share the problems just with him, not my parents, who leaved far away from me, probably would be nervous to know about my fears. I considered him as my second father. A man who had my respect.

On August 2006, 30 days before my wedding, I invited James to the wedding’s party. With a lot of things to solve, such as giving wedding invitations, choosing the dinner, fitting the tuxedo, in the last preceding months of the wedding, I didn’t talk a lot to James. At the moment that I had invited James, he looked at me with a huge satisfied smile, tears in his eyes while he gave me a fraternal hug. The day after the invitation, visiting James houses’ he told me that 4 more people would go with you in the wedding. I dont`t know why, but I said no. The invitation was just for him, not for 4 people. He looked at me different, with a sad face, in total disappointement. I didn`t understand his face that day. For me sound like an abuse, try to take 3 more people with him. I left James houses’ angry, slamming his door.

On the wedding day, I met James at the Church, wearing his best suit. His broad smile showing me how proud of me he was, for all the troubles we had overcome together. I tried to talk to him privately, but I failed. As a fiancée, I had to talk to hundreds of people. At the moment he left the party I thought to myself, when I comeback from my honeymoon, I will visit him.

On our last day of honeymoon, I called my mom to know about some news. She was direct. James had died. First, a lot of questions on my mind. How? When? Then I realized that it didn’t matter. I had lost a man who was my second father. I didn`t have the opportunity to ask for an apology. I had made a huge mistake with no chance to redeem myself.

For many months I punished myself. Why I had done this, why I should’ve asked for an apology earlier. At least I learned a lesson: If I want to talk to someone, to clearify some things, I will do it as fast as I can because some moments can be too late.

My Circle by Daniel

At 10 a.m. February, 17, 2008, I landed at the airport in Guarulhos for the first time in two months after having studied in Canada. As soon as I got out of the gate, I spotted my father, my mother and my girlfriend waiting for me in the lobby. As we headed to the parking lot to pick up the car, I noticed that my girlfriend’s eyes were in tears. Our relationship had already been shaken for 4 months but the last week traveling was the one we argued the most but even so we decided to wait to talk face to face. First, me, my father, my mother and my girlfriend had a strange lunch in my house at least to me and my girlfriend because we knew we were going to argue.I do not think my fathers notice because they asked a lot of questions about the trip to Canada. After the lunch we went out to discuss our relationship. We went to a Café near our house and almost immediately as we set we realized the relationship was over. A tough call for bouth of us; we had been dating for two and a half years.

Right after, while I was going home alone, miserable, I started to question how my life would it be without her because we were dating for so long. I began to realize that in these last two and a half years, I do not  thought only about me but about both of us. I do not think it was wrong to have these thoughts but as the weeks were going by I understood how difficult would it be to stop thinking about her family: After the firsts weeks or maybe month single I became conscious that I was placing her as a defining point in a lot of my decisions. I know it is a common thing to do but I do not think it is right because I am to young to have these everyday concerns and I began to realize I should put myself first more, at least now, because by the end of the day we are alone. I do not think is healthy to depend on a person because if something causes the end of your relationship with this someone you can suffer trying to put your life together. I believe suffering is an ordinary part of our lives, if you live you suffer and people learn more when they suffer but I am not trying to question this, what I am trying to do is to explain that we have to prepare our brain to situations of suffering, becoming more self reliant and understanding that life is full of places and people but the story is our.

Not Passing Fuvest by Juliana

Sometimes when people least expect, things can happen and change our way of viewing life. In my case it happened in the beginning of this year when I found out that I hadn’t been approved in any of the medicine universities that I had applied for .

Last year was a decisive year in my life. I was supposed to take it seriously as I had to choose the carrier I wanted for my life and study very hard to achieve my target. Unfortunately it wasn’t what happened. Despite of all the advice I had from my parents and brothers that have always told me not to throw away my last year of high school away and that a college preparatory course was a very arduous experience , I had decided to enjoy the most my last year of school with my friends, parting a lot, traveling and only worrying about my SATs in the end of the year.

My certainty that I was not going to pass as my lack of study made me thought that I was ready to face it. On the other hand when the results came out, I had a sensation that I wasn’t expecting: when I saw some of my friends celebrating and shaving their hair, I wanted to be in their places so badly. Seeing them moving on, going to another step of their lives and looking at me still stuck at the same place, made me fell inferior and all that feelings of anger and envy were buiduping and sunddenly it blasted away so I couldn’t avoid crying a river. 

However, the most painful part was to notice how disappointed my parents had become. Although having their support , I could see their frustration just by the look of disallow they gave me. At that moment I realized that my decision not to study had affected not only me, but other people that I care about. My parents had worked very hard to put me in one of the best high schools knowing that it would be hard work this period of my life and I didn’t make good use of it.

Most of the time we forget that our parents live most of their lives for us, working hard to give us a comfortable life, giving us good oportunities and we don’t give much importance to. From that day on, I have become more responsable for my actions and decisions, thinking more about  making my parents proud and thinking more about the consequences that my decisions will have in my future.

Car Crash by Marina

  

I have always posed as the perfect daughter that does everything perfectly, never gets into trouble, always meeting my parents expectations, but last year I made something that disappointed my parents and have completely changed my life.

 

On a typical Brazilian summer Thursday night, we couldn´t feel the breeze as the weather was too warm and the streets crowd with people. My friends and I decided to go to a modern Japanese restaurant to celebrate my friend´s birthday. It was kind of a party, because of the loud music and the huge number of people that had come to it. My friends crowded the place, swinging their bodies to the sound of Maroon 5 on the background as they sipped their Mojitos and Strawberry Daikiries.

Even though we were having a great time, people started to leave the party, because it was getting late. I didn´t want to go home and stay alone, because that day I had a fight with my boyfriend and I felt as if I had a hole inside of me , a big emptiness and as if I didn´t have anyone to talk to. Therefore, I decided to go to another place with two guy friends of mine. We went to a disco nearby.

 My mother can not sleep until I get home, therefore she was awake waiting for me. She called lots of times during the night telling me not to come late, because I had classes the other day. At about four in the morning, she called me again asking me to take a taxi. Instead of it, I got a ride with those friends of mine. We had drank a lot during the night, but even though my friend was drunk, that doesn´t deter him from driving.

As they drove me towards my place, we could only hear the sound of silence on the road. It felt as if the hectic traffic in São Paulo did not exist. Suddenly, a Civic appeared in front of our car and they crashed into each other. The car in  which I was, turned over a lot of times. It happened so fast that I am not able to remember that moment. What I do remember is that my mother called me right after the accident. I asked her to meet me there and take me to the hospital . I was in panic. I looked to my leg and I saw blood oozing out of my body, my neck was stiff, I was feeling a lot of pain. Both cars looked like garbage and when I looked to them, I couldn´t realize how I survived.

My mother showed up a few minutes later with my maid and they drove me to the hospital. When I got there, I saw my father and my brother with a worried face standing on the hospital hall. My father showed very angry and I noticed that when I looked at his face. He didn´t stop repeating that I was an embarrassment to him. The way my parents stared at me was one of the worst parts of this life-changing experience. I had only light injury, but unfortunally the other driver had died.

One of the lessons I´ve learned from this experience is that I don´t want to disappoint my parents anymore. Now I take life more seriously and I´ve became a responsible person. I think that somehow I need to make up for such mistake, so now I try to do everything right.

It is common to have the thought that tragedies, bad experiences will never happen to us and the people we are close to and that we are never going to be the protagonist of one sad story. After this accident, I felt fragile like never before. I have always been overprotected and suddenly realized that I´m vulnerable to life. Such a realization, is not easy to understand.

After all this, a depression took over me. I started to avoid my friends and I couldn´t stop thinking about the man that had died. I felt guilty and therefore I´ve blamed myself for a long time. Now I can see that it was not my fault, but maybe I could have avoid it. What everyone should realize is that our own acts can affect other people around us.

Obviously, this accident was a slip-up and I wish it hadn´t happened, but on one hand it was good to me, because I´ve grown with this experience and I´ve changed the way I see life. The memories still lingers in my mind.

 

 

The Boy from FEBEM by Marcella

I believe that helping others is the best way of helping yourself. With that thought in mind, I decided to do volunteer work last year; to help me have a little time off my studies; I wanted to feel last stressed than I had been for the past months with all the pressure to enter a good univercity.

My uncle always told me about the social works he did, so I decided to call him first to see if he knew where I could start. When he said to me that  the place that neding more assistence was the prision for underage children in São Paulo, FEBEM, thought, all my exitment vanished, and all of a sudden I felt really scared with the idea of working with convicts.

After a lot of thinking, I decided to get involved with the project, or at least star it, before I juged them, after all, they where just kids. My job there was to help a social group analyzing the children’s mind, so they could improve the prisoner’s habits, making them realize their mistakes. I had to try to be a part of the teenager group, and play games with the children, to show them that life can be fun if you enjoy the simple things about it.

I wasn´t expecting to get involved with this project the way I did. I became attached to some of those children, even though our lives were so appart. I could never understant what it is like to be starving, or to get beaten up every night because my father was an alcohol addict; and it was hard for them to accept that while they are so miseble, I had everything. In the beggining, they didn’t want to talk to me, or get too close; it took them about two weeks to realize that I wasn’t going to give up on them, like everybody else in their lifes did, only then they started to trust me.

Although I only worked there for two months, this experience marked me in an unbelievable way. About two weeks after my work at FEBEM had finished, while I was walking near my house, a group of boys came behind me whispering for me not to scream because they where robbing me. I froze, that was the first time in my life someone tried to steal from me, it was terrifing, and I had no idea how to react.

When they approached me, though, I had a surprise: I knew one of the boys; we had gotten close while I worked at FEBEM. We stared at each other for a while, – I knwe he could only be the group leader, because the others just stood there waiting for instruction – and then he simply said to the boys to leave me alone, because I was a nice woman. He gave a last look at my scared, but grateful face, and left without saying another word.

That was the last time I saw him. After that incident I discovered the power that people have to change other people’s lives; it had always been clear to me that I had changed after working with those kids, but I hadn’t realized that I had made some difference in those children’s lives as well. When I came home that day,  I could’t stop thinking about all the feeling that kept that eye contact for so long: fear, gratitude and an enourmous sadness.

 

Not Passing The College Entrance Examination by Camilla

Many times in these last years of my life, I couldn’t help but think of the day when my face would be all smeared, all my clothes soiled and my face with a huge smile of happiness stamped in my mouth and eyes because of my acceptance at a university, probably a common dream among most teenagers my age.

As I studied at Vértice, a very strict school where everyone is always compared to the best students, every class, work or test always focused on the acceptance at a prominent college. Because of the pressure of school, I have also understood my future success based on the positive results of USP college entrance examination test: Fuvest.

I have always had nurtured this special interest for the University of São Paulo, first, because of the influence of my school, which claims USP the best university, and and one we should focus since we became a freshman in high school. Second, the Architecture College at USP gives a different focus than the one from Mackenzie, the other respectable college in São Paulo, because its course embraces more branches of architecture, while Mackenzie’s zeroes in more on construction projects. Third, I do care for the name; after all, USP is hailed as the most well-known university of our country, and having certificate from it would make a big difference in the market. Studying there would bring me several benefits such as the fact that I would pay no monthly fees or tuition since it is a public university, and I would also remain close to my boyfriend, who studies Chemistry there, so we could see each other anytime we want to.

Unfortunately, I have been accepted in all the colleges that I had applied for, with the exception of USP. After crying a lot because of the feeling of a whole year thrown in the trash can, I had to decide to do this year: to go to another college like Mackenzie, or take a preparatory course in order to apply at USP again. Most of my friends who haven’t been accepted at USP decided to go to another university even if the course did not reflect exactly what they wanted, just because of the feeling of a university life that includes freedom and lots of parties.

Despite the fact that Mackenzie is an awesome and remarkable university, I decided not to seize the opportunity of starting the course there. I have chosen the responsibility of studying to get into USP, facing all the stress just to study at the best university. Maybe the thoughts in my head had never blurred me so much before. For the first time, I had to make an important decision only by myself.

The pressure overwhelmed me due to the enormous importance that this choice would make in my life. First, I thought that taking a preparatory course would be shameful and that people would laugh at me. Also, Vértice demands quite a lot on its students, unloading the obligation to doing well at FUVEST on me. Then, I realized that I should not care about other people’s view on my life. Therefore, my idea evolved around starting Mackenzie, but taking a leave at the course to apply myself to USP throughout the second semester, but maybe only six months of preparation would not suffice. I even had the absurd thought of doing college and the preparatory course at the same time, but at the end, I had to just choose one and focus on it.

The bottom line is that I am only taking the preparatory course and enjoying it very much. The classes are more relaxing and there is freedom and independence, which I have never had before. This decision has stiffened my personality. I have become more mature and now I have more time to focus on what I really want. I have learned that everyone have to try to reach his target no matter what he will have to do to achieve it, not worrying about other people may think about it. As a 17-year-old girl, the hurry to be in college should not turn a girl’s number one priority in life because the possibility of making this dream come true exists in the near future. So now, I have the peace of mind to understand what I really want to do, to become more mature and to enhance the flaws that didn’t let me get into USP the first time around.